An alternate iPhone review

I now own an iPhone and must reconsider what I wrote in iPhone letdowns.

First, I must say that the iPhone has revolutionized my sex life. It has made me come harder than ever before. And, sometimes when I get into the mood, I use the fantastic app iRectum, turn on the vibrating and ask my friends to call, for the ultimate pleasure.

Some people have complained about the pricing model, but personally I had no problem selling both my kids to be able to experience such a fantastic interface! And, oh, the camera! Sure, it might take blurry pictures, but, honestly, don’t we all feel out of focus from time to time? Besides, photography and grainy quality reminds me of my fond days as a crack whore in Berlin…

Also, for those who haven’t tried it yet, I strongly recommend the service RapeMe to be sure of where all your savings go, while presenting your “photos” to all your friends – please remember, love is blind.


Disclaimer: I don’t really own an iPhone. I do think it’s a pretty good product, although it lacks some features. Perhaps I’ll get one one day.
This post is rather targeted at the ridiculously biased and uncritical reviews and blog posts I read this summer about the iPhone 3G. If my harsh language has offended anyone, accept my apologies.


  • Remy Sharp says:

    You do know, that if "iRectum" doesn't exist, it's going to turn up pretty shortly.

    You're absolutely right though, the reviews have been all too gushy – the 2.0 software that came out lately was a massive fail – let alone the total cock up on the battery life. My iPod Touch went from needing charging every 4th day or so, to once a day πŸ™

  • Of course there are some features missing on the iPhone, but overall it's a brilliant product, yet a platform! The first release (without 3G) really missed the target. But now with 3G and GPS it's a brilliant product.

    The price tag is not that frightening either (well, I live in Austria, we have the best iPhone plans :)) with lots of included messaging and calls + the 3G flat (you never surpass the 3GB limit).

    And the best part I believe is the AppStore! There is no phone on the market that has such a variety of apps to install…

    OK, I am a fanboy πŸ™‚ but I do not own an iPhone yet, really!!!

  • I am wanting an iPhone, mostly in the hope that I will finally find a phone that doesn't suck all the time, and where software update cycles are shorter than me replacing my phone.

    Once I get one, I promise I'll write a very honest review of the whole experience.

    Rant away!

  • Robert Nyman says:


    Yeah, maybe I should register iRectum, for future business purposes…

    With battery life, I've also heard a number of reports in regards to poor performance.


    The iPhone is absolutely the right product for a number of people, and of course you should like it if you want to. This post was rather targeted at people who normally write balanced and fair reviews, who completely lost integrity when doing write-ups on the iPhone.


    Thanks. πŸ™‚

    When you get one, please let me know what you think!

  • Ole says:

    I do not own an iphone either. In my opinion the pricing model in germany is an absolute mess and for me the dimensions are just to big. I have an SE W880i and compared with an iphone the iphone is like a brick…

    There are several products from apple which are just hiped because of the shiny, slick, good looking design and not of the real value to the user…

    – iTunes (really bad DRM system…)

    – MacBook Air (no internal DVD drive, no possibility to plug in LAN, just one(!) USB 2.0) Hey and that just for 2.379,00 € (3.742,00 $)…

    I think there are other useful, good looking products out there…

  • Jacob says:

    Coming from a student who got a free ipod touch with his macbook, I must say… the iPod Touch is revolutionary. I am overwhelmed with the abilities of this hand held device using the App Store. The simple unadvertised Remote application created by Apple is incredible; allowing me to control my itunes on my macbook through my ipod touch. I can surf Pandora and listen to limitless songs. I can download new games with wii-like motion play in an instant. Google maps has served me well as a adhock GPS system, with the ability to pinpoint my location, and give me step by step directions to my destination. I use Evernote to retrieve notes from school that I took using my macbook, and of course I can check my gmail at any time. Oh, and did I mention none of these applications cost me a dime? For those haters out there… you really ought to try one for a week before you go complaining about all it's 'flaws'. It's way better than it's competition, which happens to be nothing.

  • Robert Nyman says:


    Absolutely, some things Apple do great, and some other have valid competitors.


    I'm glad for you!

    This review isn't actually about the iPhone, but, as stated above, the press and blogging hype to no end, when it was launched.

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