I’m afraid of dying
My whole life, as long as I can remember, I’ve been afraid of dying. The fear seems to hit me in waves, but it’s always there, constantly reminding me of my mortality.
As we grow up, most of us reach a time when we start to think about life, death, universe, why we’re here. Some think about it while lying in their beds at night staring out into the darkness, some share it with friends when drunk and some just try to suppress these thoughts as soon as they surface. What almost every person seems to have in common with each other, though, is that we desperately try to find a reason for living, a meaning with our existence.
One person might find cause through religion, while others find comfort in trying to understand as much as possible of the science we use to try to explain this phenomenon we refer to as life. But almost everyone seems to strive for an answer, a reason, a motivation to keep going.
Why am I afraid? I can’t even begin to fathom that my life will end, that my body will stop functioning and that all the thoughts, love and sorrows I bear with me will vanish. That I will cease to exist, and that I will be just gone.
I’ve heard that the older one gets, the more one comes to term with the fact that life isn’t endless. That we have been given a certain amount of time to live, and all we can do is try to make the best out of it.
You might look upon these thoughts as the ones of an unhappy man; on the contrary! My life is beyond my wildest expectations! I have a wonderful girlfriend, and a daughter that I love so much that no words of man are worthy of describing such strong feelings. I have seen so many things, been to numerous places and have met so many interesting people in my life. In my line of work I have reached a moderate success and respect, and I constantly want to become better at what I do. I also sincerely hope to constantly keep evolving into a better and less selfish human being.
But all that just makes the fear even worse to handle. To one day lose everything I’ve fought so hard for; to not be around to help and aid my family, in sorrow and in joy. At times, I can just neglect the various thoughts, and then at other times I desperately stare out into the vast emptiness hoping to find some way to be strong enough to withstand the psychological terror a fear of death brings to you.
Ever had a dream that felt more real than life itself? I’m sure you have, one time or another. Some of mine have been dreams of actually dying, waking up in the middle of the night, drenched with sweat and literary screaming my anxiety out into the room; my mind boggling and my body shaking with reluctance against the implication of death.
Maybe we do have souls, perhaps they do live on forever; maybe we’re all incarnated from who knows how long back in time. There is the slightest chance that we might remember and carry with us who we are, and that’s the fraction of hope I cling on to. Nevertheless, my fear is still there.
282 Comments/Reactions
April 22nd, 2006 at 8:25
Without wishing to belittle your very real sentiments, I always quash these thoughts by reassuring myself of my complete lack of awareness of what happened before I was born. I totally understand the fear of leaving my children without a father and wife without a husband (and the fear of losing them too). However, I obviously have no recollection of the billions of years that past before I was here and I imagine death to be much the same. It may sound sad to disappear from existence but it is only ego that makes one wish to leave a legacy behind after death, I think it is what you do today that matters.
Great post btw.
April 22nd, 2006 at 15:04
As a fellow Dad I think there’s a big part of being a father that means these thoughts particularly bubble to the surface.
Seriously though I don’t worry too much, it’s better to put everything you’ve got into living your life and spending as much time with your family as you can and to never waste at moment.
As far as you dreams of death go I would suggest that this dream is more an indication of a big change coming up for you as death within a dream seldom has a literal meaning. Death as a symbol often is an indicator of change, and symbolises rebirth.
April 22nd, 2006 at 16:05
Whitehead
Life is eating. Fundamentally, it eats itself and thereby achieves a kind of transcendence of itself, which, however, does not yet “exist for itself” as the simple unity that it is.
Hegel
Initially, however, when each risks its Life in attempting to negate the other’s Life, any absolute success on the behalf of either results in the death of both, for “death is the natural negation of consciousness, negation without independence, which thus remains without the required significance of recognition”(188). Out of this develops on the behalf of one self-consciousness the awareness of essentiality of Life to self-consciousness’ aims(189). In other words, one self-consciousness has feared death, seeing as it makes impossible self-consciousness very purpose in Life (pun intended) and hence clings to Life. There arises now a new relationship of inequality between the two self-consciousnesses: one has become slave, the other master.
April 22nd, 2006 at 17:19
Interesting subject. For me almost the opposite is true. I’m not at all afraid of dying. When a person dies I see two things that may happen:
1) You’ll live on after dead in some form and exciting times will be ahead right after you blow out your last breath.
2) There’s absolutely NOTHING after death and you won’t notice it.
A lot of people fear death because they have some sort of mental image in which they die and ‘find out there’s nothing at all after death’. This is of course a funny misconception because if there’s really nothing after death, you won’t be able to draw that conclusion.
Ergo: You’ll be fine, unless something really shitty turns out to happen after death.
I do have a fear related to yours though. While I really don’t care at all about myself dying I’m sometimes really scared that my beloved ones will die around me while I’ll stay alive myself. For example, imagine bird flu will hit the world. Hard. Killing 50% of the world population. Imagine everyone you care about will die. Except… you. Horror!!!
That thought scares me much more than the thought of dying myself!
April 22nd, 2006 at 19:05
Some time ago, a man stopped me in the street wanting to ask me some questions about my belief. “Shoot”, I said, and the man started asking me questions.
Christian Guy: “Are you comfortable with you beliefs?”
“Very”
CG: “What do you believe in?”
“Not much, love maybe”
CG: “So, you don’t believe in God?”
“No”
CG: “I hate to tell you this, but you might get hit by a car and get killed any second, and if that happens, and you don’t believe in God, you will go to hell.”
“Thanks for telling me, have a good day now”
WTF, that guy just tried to threaten me into beliving in his perception of a higher power. That’s not a religion that I want to be a part of.
I don’t know why I just wrote this here, but it kind of felt as if it related to the topic somehow. And if it didn’t, maybe I managed to put a smile on your lips and take your mind off thinking about your mortality for a second!
April 22nd, 2006 at 20:30
@Martin
This is what ALL religions do. They’ve been doing it since they started. Religions try to scare their followers in order to keep them following.
It’s a load of crap if you ask me. I try to be a good guy in every possible way. I just can’t believe there could be a God out there who will send me right to hell after I die just because I didn’t buy the crap people like the one that stopped you on the street are trying to shove down our throats.
I’m in fact not totally atheist. I do however feel that whatever God I’ll meet after I die is not going to judge me on this crap but on what I did in my life and how I have been treating other people. In that respect I find Jesus a very inspiring figure. He hated that judgmental crap people love to throw on other people just as much as I do.
April 23rd, 2006 at 1:31
I don’t fear dying, aside from whatever physical pain might be involved. What I do fear though, is having lived a wasted life. I’m only in my mid-20′s, but I often ponder, when it’s all said and done, will I have lived a life that enriched those around me? I wonder if I will be remembered as selfish, pompous, and arrogant. I guess I think of it this way: If life is like a basketball game, will I have racked up a high count of assists, or will I be known as the show-off who never passed the ball?
April 23rd, 2006 at 5:50
If you knew about something that you believed would save someone elses life or help them avoid enormous pain…would you keep it to yourself?
April 23rd, 2006 at 6:19
To me fear of death is really a fear of the unknown. There was a time in my life when I experienced this fear for myself, I don’t anymore. The fear I sometimes feel is that my life is a waste of time and that the people I love will have difficult circumstances in their lives if I’m gone before them.
In general I feel hopeful about life and death. I believe that there is a purpose for my life and that it means something to strive for the best for yourself and those around you. I don’t mean the kind of “best” where you attempt to grab and horde everything in sight at the expense of others…but the kind of “best” where your life is an offering, and it makes the world a better place. I also know that death comes to us all in it’s own time and there may be nothing I can do to avoid it earlier than later.
The hope I have comes from a personal relationship with the one true God. I say this not as a “threat”, but because it is what brings me hope. The fact that my own efforts, and all the things I can gather around me can not and will not ever make me happy could be a hopeless view. The fact that I don’t have to gather “things” around me to feel fulfilled is a miracle!
I hope that my comment on your blog is acceptable. If it is unwelcome, feel free to delete it and I will not be offended. This topic area is sometimes considered taboo…and I know that my belief in God will cause anger among some who don’t believe. The bottom line is that I’m a big fan of Robert Nyman, and I feel a little pain to know that you fear death this way. I hope these words will bring at least a small glimmer of hope to your life!
April 23rd, 2006 at 14:47
I think I already died several times. When I see photos of myself at the ages of 5 or 12 or 25, I see someone who does not exist anymore. This person I was has already died I think, physically because all the matter that makes my body had changed and mentally as well because I am a very different person.
The only thing that relates me to the person I “was” is that I remember a few things I lived when I was younger. But that is not a lot in common. So I think one already has several lives in one’s own life.
This is not that different from real death. Actually I think death is just another evolution of my self. It is only different from the previous ones in that it is sudden in time.
Anyway, as a great philosopher put it: “You do not have to fear death. When you are alive, you’re not dead. And when you are dead you don’t know you are dead”
April 23rd, 2006 at 18:55
@Chris, I know what you mean. While I was writing my response to Rob’s prompt to meme, I relived the last 10 years of my life. Some of those times seem so far away…and I was definitely a different person.
April 24th, 2006 at 10:48
I would sincerely thank everyone for sharing, especially on such a personal topic. I would really like to reply to and elaborate on each and every one of your comments for pages, but I think it would be too much…
I just need to touch the topic of religion in the comments that came up, though. The way I, humbly, see it is that people who are truly good persons and confident in their religion don’t threaten or force it upon other people. I’ve had many talks to people with different religious beliefs, and while they are very open to talk about it and discuss it, they don’t push it down your thruth.
Those are the pople I respect (and yes, Shane, I do find you to be one of these, so please don’t find any possible offense in this
).
April 24th, 2006 at 17:51
@Marco – I can definitely identify with your sentiments. I believe that all religions began with the purest of intentions, but have, through the years, acquired layer upon layer of sometimes meaningless traditions and dogma.
Personally, I am a Buddhist. I see the inherent value in the mechanism of traditional religions, however, in comparison with Buddhism, they seem limited in scope. The focus in traditional (Western) monotheistic religions is, to me, to design human behavior through negative reinforcement. Their focus is traditionally bipolar in nature: using the threat of post-mortem events as leverage for enforcing their ways and means in this life. Further more, some assume that you are flawed from the beginning (original sin).
I can see how this has worked (and it does work). But, I see the model as inherently flawed. I see it as flawed because anytime you define strictly what you are and what you believe in, you — even if only by default — define what you are not. And, having done that, you have defined your enemy. Even if he did not yet exist, your enemy sprang into being the moment you drew the line in the sand. Because there is always someone on the other side of that line… and eventually, you will fight him. And if you succeed in winning that particular battle, you have not won, you have merely reinforced and/or moved your line. The model is inherently flawed, because you cannot defeat something of your own creation, because it IS you. If your mind is not unified, is bipolar and reactionary, then you will always, until the end of days, find someone to fight.
The goal therefore, to me at least, is to not draw lines at all. You have to accept all that there is both “good” and “bad” and then methodically set out to destroy in your mind what defines them both… (in my case, through meditation, in yours perhaps prayer) because if there is an all-knowing God, and if there is “Good” and “Bad”, then surely he/she created them both. It is only in your mind that you create the definitions of “good” and of “bad” because in the end your mind is a tool, not unlike the opposable thumb, that is designed to preserve your existence. Definitions of good and bad are simply raw experience that checked in with your ego. Destroy the ego, free the mind. Death before dying.
And no, you will not become a mindless automaton.
April 24th, 2006 at 19:08
Interesting… fearing death – I am a Christian man, I believe that when i die, I will go to heaven, and that Christ beat death for us. But I fear for my Children at times, that what I teach them, not so much my faith… but little things like tyng their shoes, or teaching them to ride a bike, or how to make hydrogen… little things.
I worry that i may die and leave things that needed to be said, not said. But when i start thinking about those little things not done, and the bigger thing, my faith in God who loves me, I find myself conforted in knowing that even if the little things are not done, God will take care of those things in his own way.
I will continue to have faith in God – who will continue to help me in overcoming the fear of death and what it may bring. I realize that someone who does not believe may have a problem with that, but to each their own.
Thanks for your ideas and scripting techniques.
-J-
April 24th, 2006 at 22:19
Todd, -J-,
Thank you for sharing!
April 24th, 2006 at 23:07
If one wants philosophical comfort regarding the fear of death, there is certainly no better place to start than Plato’s dialogues surrounding the trial and death of Socrates. If you have not read them in a while, they are worth the time.
In regards to previous commentators, I am very surprised by the tame responses so far (ah internet, how uncivil you will make us all!) but wanted to add a few Catholic cents.
It is unfair to say that all religions are pushy; what is this based on? Encounters with particular people and news stories. But no one ever walks around saying “I believe in God and am a nice guy; have a good day,” so these impressions are a non-random sample. Kind believers just do reasonably nice things and you will perhaps never know. Similarly, no newspaper would ever print a story: “Christian guy says he thinks people are okey-dokey.” So, thought about concretely, I think that argument is simply based on statistical sample error.
The same goes for “traditions and dogmas.” Imagine walking into a grad school science classroom without ever having taken science before: everyone would speak in strange technical terms, follow somewhat-odd rituals, and believe ridiculous things (you think the speed of light is relative to what?). It has no meaning to you personally, but there is quite deep meaning if you are willing to research before dismissing it out of hand. For example: the robes used by Catholic (and other Christian) priests/ministers during services seem perhaps just old. They are in fact the ancient Roman equivalent of a woman’s apron, which would historically have been worn by a man just on the few occaisions when a man today might wear his wife’s apron: when serving her family. (Because the priest is, metaphorically, married to the Church, and her family is all men.) Adhering to such impractical customs because of metaphorical beauty is not a sign of close-mindedness, but simply a participation in the emotions and symbols of hundreds of generations of now-dead men. (Which is just one of many reasons not to be afraid of death.)
As for actual beliefs, I find it interesting how close Todd’s Buddhism comes to “orthodox” Christianity. The belief that God created all things means that everything, good and bad, has some purpose to Him. That is philosophical point of the passion: that the greatest suffering of a man and the extreme immorality of other men can all be turned to the good. The purpose of belief is not to draw lines, but to take all things, suffering and success, and do good in spite of (or, because of) them. But this does not prove that all “good” and “bad” are relative; quite the opposite, it demands that we help others in their suffering and depression. But because we so offen forget or slack from this task, all Christian dogmas and rules are (or ought to be) based on the simple goal of making us remember and follow through on this goal. That some men follow these rules blindly does not eliminate their real purpose, indeed it shows that any true religion must be able to accomodate those who are not particularly intellectual (happiness, after all, ought to belong to everyone equally, even if they are unable to have deep theological insight, which is good news for most of us who do not!)
Anyhow, sorry for the overly-long ramblings. I hope perhaps it has helped.
April 25th, 2006 at 9:12
Adam,
Thank you very much for explaining your view on it.
April 25th, 2006 at 14:44
He’s coming with a banjo, that ain’t got no strings, and plastic tambourines.
He don’t care if you’re not ready, he don’t care if you’re not dressed.
You can beg, he won’t listen, you can’t bribe him with blank cheques.
’cause he’s coming with sunglasses, wrapped around his skull, brass-plated knuckles and a bullet-proof soul.
He’s got everything you own, out on the patio and he’s giving it away, to people you don’t even know.
Fear of the unknown is a basic primitive reaction and I regularly see death first-hand so get used to fact of the inevitable.
Basically it’s because we do not have the capacity to fully comprehend death itself. It’s an experience we’ll all share but I probably won’t have the capacity to acknowledge the conclusion when my number is up.
April 25th, 2006 at 15:06
Robert,
It was great to meet you a few times at SXSW, and thanks for the site design feedback at lunch.
I understand your fear, and think that many people would admit, in moments of quiet honesty, to similar fears.
In hopes of offering some encouragement and reassurance, here are some quotes:
“…he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4
“…fear not, for I am with you” Isaiah 41:10
“You will not fear the terror of the night” Psalm 91:5
“I will fear no evil” Psalm 23:4
“…whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.” John 5:24
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:55
April 25th, 2006 at 15:11
Robert W, Michael,
Thank you for your comments!
April 25th, 2006 at 22:41
@ Adam – I believe the arguments that you make. Hence, the reference I made to idea that all religions start with the purest of intentions, around the very idea that you describe.
I had two comments: One is that I agree wholeheartedly that a religion should be accessible to everyone, regardless of faculties. However, in comparing some of the Catholicism’s relatively involved traditions (compared here to a grad-level science class) with other — perhaps simpler — methodologies of other religions, would you say these steeped traditions make the price of entry higher, or lower for the less philosophical or intellectually inclined?
My second comment would address the idea that was alluded to here, that some (I assume you mean Buddhism for this argument) religions require a higher level of intellect. I would agree with that, but only in part. There is an acute philosophical aspect to Buddhism which attracts a certain kind of person to start to study it. However, I would also argue that people who study Buddhism learn to question everything by the very nature of the subject matter. They begin to ask questions, they begin to explore, they become interested in examining things with interest and with a new found curiosity. I would make the case that Buddhism encourages an individual to become larger than they are, despite any perceived limitation of intellect. They are not in any way encouraged to do something simply because they were told to. To me, this is an exploration that allows for growth and does not support stagnation.
@Robert – sorry for the digressions, it’s just nice to chat about this sort of stuff. Regardless of the outcome, I can sympathize with your sentiments and I appreciate you posting the article.
April 26th, 2006 at 16:17
Todd,
No worry at all, I love that people are willing to share their inner thoughts and wonderings, especially in a respectful manner.
April 26th, 2006 at 18:16
First let me say that I really appreciate your viewpoint and your courage to talk about this difficult subject. I especially relate to your comment “To one day lose everything I’ve fought so hard for”. If a person truly believes that life ends at death then the logical conclusion (at least to me) is to “eat, drink, and make merry because tomorrow we will die”. In my opinion that is why alot of people don’t want to take the time to consider and research this subject in depth, and instead fill their lives with other activities until one day they do die.
At one point in my life I was agnostic and didn’t know what to believe. It seemed to me that believing in any form of “religion” was to simply ascribe to another man’s viewpoints and beliefs. Since that man is also going to die what is the use? How can I know and confirm that any “religion” is actually true?
That is when I decided to research the subject myself. At this point I can say with great joy and relief that there is a way that has been proven accurate and true. The factual evidence is overwhelming! IMO if anyone takes the time to accumulate and study the evidence that they too will be convinced. The way is a _personal_ relationship with Jesus Christ! Note that I am talking about a relationship here, not a “religion”. It’s a relationship because “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him SHOULD NOT PERISH, but have ETERNAL LIFE”. (John 3:16) It’s a relationship because God actually demonstrates His great love for us!!
For along time I thought I had to live a good life to earn eternal life – had to go to church on Sunday, not steal, etc. But that is when a friend showed me that I was erroneously trying to “be good” to work my way into heaven. He showed me that God says “For by grace are you saved through faith and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) Since God says that eternal life is a gift, there is nothing I can do to work for it. I have eternal life by simply accepting Jesus most amazing gift to me – to believe that he was punished and died to pay for my sins personally. This to me is truly GREAT NEWS!
Sometimes people misunderstand the statement Jesus made when he says that “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). On the surface that statement seems very exclusive (which it is). But it is not a barrier to keep people out; instead it is actually a plea for people to accept him as Savior. The reason is that I don’t know of anyone who claims to lead a perfect life (no bad thoughts, no lies, etc). But God is holy and as such cannot accept sin in His presence. That is why he said “Even so I will by no means clear the guilty.” (Exodus 34:7). Since everyone has sinned and God says that the punishment for sin is death, then who can be saved? That is what Jesus meant when he said that no one can come to the Father except through him – that he already completely paid the price for our sin. That if we accept his gift (accepting him as our Savior) that God will declare us without sin and give us eternal life with Him.
I know that this has been a long missive but I offer it as hope that your life doesn’t have to end as you posted – that you can live forever together with God and your family. You have been blessed with an awareness of your own mortality so that you have time to look into this while you are still alive. I beg you not take my word for this, but to research the facts (not opinions of others) yourself and form your own conclusions. I am SO VERY THANKFUL that my friend told me what I am now telling you. It has changed my life! I pray that Jesus message of good news will change yours also!
April 27th, 2006 at 1:00
Well, what do we really know about death, when we don’t really understand life? We try to evaluate life by killing it, as we also try to evaluate death by living. Weird, and what I want to say is that we apparently approach this topic the wrong way.
Though I had the same thoughts about death, I don’t fear it anymore. It’s great being dead one day, it’s just as great as being alive. And I think one does not need to be afraid of losing something, as we don’t own anything. Except our thoughts, which are the greatest and most powerful thing we could ever imagine. Everything we perceive once existed as a thought, and our thoughts will neither die nor will they vanish with our existence. Being is not equal to living, why should it.
I keep this short, though I could write and swarm on and on. We shouldn’t fear so many things – neither rejection from hot women nor death
Go ahead everybody, don’t waste time (though we probably have more than enough 
)
PS.
That reminds me… I just damn need to get rid of the fear to quit smoking, and get the hell out of reach of my computers more often, to enjoy more physical than virtual space… I’m looking hot but little pale, right.
April 27th, 2006 at 14:28
Steve, Jens,
Thank you for sharing; very interesting!
April 27th, 2006 at 21:56
I have the same fear. I think about it a lot. Dying sucks.
April 27th, 2006 at 22:16
Austin,
Thanks for sharing my sentiments!
May 3rd, 2006 at 13:51
I share your fear of dying and I have also read/heard that it gets easier to face the older you get. I find this to be true, not because you “grow tired of life”, but because you do not trouble yourself with the same kind of philosophical questions anymore. Between working and raising children you will not find the time to think about death. I read a good inscription on a surfers grave in California a few years back that I found true and somewhat comforting. Perhaps its origin is christian, I do not know.
“Life is a blessing to be lived, not a mystery to be solved”
Regarding your dreams about dying I recommend the song “Mad World” performed by Gary Jules in the soundtrack of Donnie Darko.
May 4th, 2006 at 17:30
I understand all perspectives rationally and I have looked at it from every possible angle, but sometimes I am so afraid of death/dying that it almost feels like an anxiety attack. This is especially true at night before bed. For no apparent reason my mind wanders to the subject and suddenly I am wide awake and afraid to go to sleep because of the fear I will not wake up. And I cannot imagine the loss of a loved one. It really scares me…
May 4th, 2006 at 19:33
Joakim,
I think that’s a very accurate description of how people work.
Jane,
That’s exactly the same way as I feel sometimes.
May 23rd, 2006 at 9:48
This may sound funny to you, but I just recently had a dream that led me to this web sight. I received the name Michael Mongomery in my dream wrote it down in the middle of the night, looked it up and this guy wrote about you. I appreciate the window to such open thoughts of yours. I have pondered my existence since I was a very young girl. Anyway I have had quiet a journey in life and in my seeking for truth I have found Jesus. Probably more like He found me then waited until I was ready to allow my heart to soften enough to see Him and open my heart to recieve his love. I believe the entire purpose for even living this life is to choose love and to grow in true love…that is have a relationship with God. I believe to live with God in love and for eternity is only through the pure living sacrafice of Jesus Christ who overcame death. Death which is the result of the fall of man intoducing the sinful nature. So I do believe our Souls live on and only through Jesus do we have hope for eternity, with God in love that is. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life!” John 3:16. I believe the love that we share here on earth is glimpses of who God is and helps us to grow closer to Him and grow in Him and grow in love. I believe Jesus is the truth because I know Him and knowing Him has completely transformed me and my life. Now He shows me the reality of His truth more and more everyday as I walk in His light and truth. It is such a Blessing!!! Anyway God Bless You for your open mind! Just a little bit of my heart:)
June 1st, 2006 at 12:11
Dying is nothing to be afraid of, I know I have done it a couple times. When you are faced with the certainty of your death, when you hear those thunderous words “I’m sorry there is no cure, it is a matter of time, how long no one can tell”. The fear is all consuming and unrelinting. But you know after a while the thought kind of settles over you like a hazy day, not good, not so bad. After more time you learn to live with it and you get omn with what is left with your life, without regrets and without fear.
June 2nd, 2006 at 19:26
Andria, Becky,
Thank you very much for your comments.
Becky,
What you mention might be about the same thing that I saw happen to my father. If you want to talk about it, don’t hesitate to send me an e-mail (the address can be found in the About page).
June 14th, 2006 at 9:10
Im 33 years old and found that what is going on in your life at the time you think of death reflects what you think about it. for example : I have major depression and when i dont take my medication I think of death constantly and i fear leaving everyone behind , but when i am not depressed I donot think of death or care about it, I only fear it when i think of leaving my 4 year old daughter behind. that is my biggest fear! if there is a life after this an i can see her missing me asking for her daddy and making mistakes and living carlessly because of my death, that is a disturbing thought. That is when i am not even depressed. when i am depressed and think of it i cry and want to be with her every moment. i donot cry in front of her of course. before i had my daughter i asked for death constantly i lived carelessly and didnt care if I died in fact i wanted to die. and i did, I wrecked on my motorcycle at a very high speed and flat linned twice when i was brought back i was in a coma for 10 days my daughter was born but only for a few months during that time my babies mom was driving me crazy and i needed a way out dying was an option i always liked but i missed it . I went throuigh 30 days of recovery in ICU and a month in a half of threrapy learning to walk and feed myself again. I searched for my deceased father the entire time i was in a coma but could not find him if i did would i have left this life to go to the next or was it just my mind searching for him out of missing him? very complicated issue death, and the answer will not be 100 percent becaseu people lie and people dont believe so there is only one way to find out and we all know what that is.
June 14th, 2006 at 14:57
Elwin,
Thank you for sharing!
And I agree, it’s the thoughs of leaving your kid/-s behind that are the worst.
Good luck with everything!
June 20th, 2006 at 21:44
Hi, although a bit late in the comment chain, I’m so glad I came across your website. I have had a fear of dying since I was little (I remember my mom being really disturbed that a 5-y-o was saying this to her). I completely relate to what you, Robert and Jane, have described as the panic attack at night, screaming until you make it go away and leave you alone. But for me, I have hypothesized that my panics come from being alone, and thinking I will always be alone. Of course, I think about it less when I am with someone, which I guess is good. Still, I wish I knew how to “kick it”. I don’t think it is all that encouraging that the only way to “deal with it” is to be distracted.
So today, finally after 30 years, I decided to start doing some research online (there must be something that can help!), because I’m tired of being afraid. I have felt alone in my fear, not shared by my friends. But coming across this site has made me feel better, at least knowing that there are others out there who share similar experiences. And that is very comforting, so thanks!
June 20th, 2006 at 23:29
Ro,
Thank you for sharing! It made me very happy to hear that you felt that my post and the comments have helped you in any way. I agree that it’s a small comfort if distraction is your best, but, instead, probably by sharing this and talk with people will make it easier.
I don’t think the fear should be supressed; on the contrary, admit that it exists, discuss it and at the same time take comfort in knowing that a lot of other people are afraid too, but they face it and go on living and make the best out of it.
June 25th, 2006 at 21:50
i have a serious fear of dying so much so it ruins my every day! i think about it constantly think about it every minute and belive it will never go away a cling to the thoughts that theres life after death and wish so much someone could prove it to me or reasure me its true im in my 20′s and think im wasting my sort life but the feelings never go away i have panic atacks every night and a few time during the day i need help!
June 25th, 2006 at 22:10
scared person,
I do sincerely hope for reassurance of an afterlife or any of its like, even if it’s not likely to happen. If you feel like that all the time, and don’t ever feel good, I think it would be good to get professional help.
June 27th, 2006 at 6:10
I am 17 and began fearing death in 2002 when I was talking to a college professor about dying. I told him that I will accept when I die and I will go to heaven, then he asked me what if there is no heaven. Ever since then my mind has twisted thoughts of dying, I only feel good when im distracted by things during the day. I should be enjoying high school, but even at night when im at my friends’ house going to sleep, death will come into my mind and scare me. I always fear it the most when im trying to sleep. I always have to turn on the tv or listen to music or something. It seems as if none of my friends have this problem. I fear death because I would hate not to see the people I love, I would hate to just be nothing (eventhough thats such an inconcievable thought), and I hate the idea ever never coming back. I hate the idea that I will be dead forever and ever and ever. It happens to everyone, but it’s so scary to fathom. By the way Robert, I am like you. I am also very successful in life. I wish there could be an answer to our problem…
June 27th, 2006 at 12:43
Justin,
First, I’m a bit ambivalent about your college professor’s reply: part of me think it’s good to challenge certain thoughts, always go through the “what ifs”, but on the other hand I’m not sure he’s the one who’s best suited to raise such thoughts to you.
With that said, the thought of one day being nothing is truly inconceivable, and I’m not sure what scares people the most. Not knowing what will happen, or knowing for a fact that you will disappear; what is worst?
Maybe the answer is just trying to accept that we will never know nor control the situation, so maybe it’s just better to focus on making as much as possible out of the time that has been given us.
August 17th, 2006 at 12:16
I found this discussion tonight by typing in random keys and doing a search. I was bored and I didn’t feel like sleeping yet. This is exactly what I was looking for.
I’ve been a very religious christian my whole life. When I was younger I was one of those people who tried to force feed christianity to others. Many people find this very closed minded and do not respect the person doing it. While I no longer do this, I would just like to share the mindset behind it.
If you believed very strongly that someone was going to go to hell for all eternity, and you could somehow change their fate (heaven for all eternity), you’d probably do everything in your power to do so. People who try to force religion on others, do so out of compassion, even though it might not seem like it. From their frame of mind, they’re desperately trying to help people. Now I’m happy to talk about my faith with others, but I don’t try to force anything. I think that the forceful approach usually just pushes people farther away. I’m also not too sure that people go to hell just because they don’t believe.
Now, on to the real subject. When I was a kid I used to be terrified of living forever in heaven. It might sound kind of stupid, but the thought of continuing on without end for all eternity can be pretty scary. Even more terrifying to me is the idea that God might not exist, and that death is the end. This is the feeling that I have in common with many of the people involved in this discussion. Most of the time I can’t even feel the fear. I think that it’s so frightening to me that I put up mental barriers so I won’t be able to think deeply enough into it. However, when I do manage to break through and experience it, I’m overcome with desperation. I feel like I somehow need to find a way to prevent myself from ever dying, but there’s nothing that I can do.
Luckily for me, it is not often that I’m haunted by these thoughts, because I do believe in an afterlife. This may sound very cold, but if there is no afterlife, I don’t see a point in trying to live a happy life, or caring about anything. Eventually, everyone will die and it will be as if none of them existed. Nothing anyone does during their lifetimes will count for anything. Whether they had good lives or bad lives, it all equals zero in the end. I’m not trying to be mean in any way when I say this, and I hope you’ll forgive me. That’s not the way I want things to be, but that’s how I see it. Perhaps my view on the subject is obstructed by my christian backround.
Anyway, from time to time I share your fear. For what it’s worth, I’ll pray that everyone with these thoughts can find comfort. The song “Even Rats” by The Slip usually calms me down. Sorry for rambling on forever. If you think there’s a chance, I hope to see you in the afterlife.
August 18th, 2006 at 12:44
John,
Thank you very much for your comment! When it comes to forcing religion upon people, I think it’s mainly frowned upon (no matter how good the intention is) because most people believe that it’s up to each and everyone to draw their own conclusions and choose their own belief.
It might be offensive to say something like this, but I understand your sentiment. I guess I personally think the idea is to try and be good so no matter if any legacy is left behind, that as many people as possible will have as pleasant a time as possible in their short lives.
August 25th, 2006 at 8:18
Gosh I’m not alone. I couldn’t sleep tonight because, yes once again I was afraid. I wish I could get over it or stop the fear, but it comes over me in waves periodically. Have I not done enough? Sometimes I feel like my being here makes no difference, no one will remember me. I am nothing, but I’ve tried so hard to do good things and volunteer, to help others. But, in the end, what have I really done? What is next? Is anything next? Yes, I know there is a higher power, but what does that really mean? Why am I so afraid? Why can’t I stop being so scared? I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to stop breathing and yet sometimes I hold my breath. What is wrong with me?
August 25th, 2006 at 11:29
Shelly,
Thanks for your comment!
First, I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you. On the contrary, I’d say that that is way more common behavior and thoughts than you think.
Oh, how I recognize and share these thoughts. Be strong!
September 14th, 2006 at 19:15
I have been enveloped with the thought of death for the past month. Thinking endlessly about it and what happens after we die. I have gone as far as doing research (via the web) on such things as NDE’s (Near Death Experiences), studies of mediums and their powers, and reading passages from the bible. All I can say is that I am convinced that there is an afterlife. There is just too much evidence to deny it! Don’t get me wrong, while I try to comfort myself with thoughts of the afterlife and what it would be like, I still get depressed in the fact that I would be leaving my wife and daughter.
I think if I could get some recognition from the other side, maybe from a deceased relative or Jesus or God himself that my fear of dying would melt away.
September 14th, 2006 at 19:38
Jeffrey,
Thank you for your comment.
I sure hope you are right about an afterlife. But if you are, like I’m sure you wish, I would also want to, in some way, make sure I could eventually meet up with my family and my close ones there.
September 15th, 2006 at 21:22
Hi there. I’m 19 years old and have watched my life turn unrecognisable in the last 3 years. I rarely see anyone I remember from any stage in my life, and when thinking of the friends from say, school or an old address, its sort of akin to them dying. I’m happy with my partner, but nothing is where I thought it would be, and I even live on an Island (of Wight). I’m terrified of dying, every other night say, looking up, trembling, thinking about what happens. I believe in the sciences, an answer for everything, and the only thing I can think of comparitively, is an endless sleep. But the only thing I remember of dreamless sleeps, is the waking up, so what happens at the end of forever? This becoming nothingness that we all (or a lot of us) fear. And the strange thing is, when I’m racing motorcycles, it doesn’t enter my head once, nor after. Just the thought of having a death sentence, even if not as immediate as illness sufferers or being killed. And I find it no help when people say “try to live a nice happy life…” that doesn’t help at all. Its like being able to do nothing about having, say a toy, taken from you. If it were a toy, I’d just be able to find something else to amuse myself with/imagine, but if it my very thoughts, memories, awareness, how can I, well, do anything. I don’t want it. Its become so bad now the the only real ambition I have (I’v never wanted a perfect job, or idea, always been to ready for retirement, the irony), is to develope Dementia, and.or convince myself that I will go somewhere with my partner, who I can only hope can deal with this better than me. And even then, when I do go, I want to be frozen, and brought back when we’ve learnt to, and the sad thing, is I’m serious. (PS sorry if this post is huge And is all one paragraph, in the wrong mood to care about grammar
))
September 16th, 2006 at 1:39
I see it as one of two ways: (1) dying rocks! or (2) dying sucks
. Sorry, sometimes my Beavis and Butthead personality comes out to play 
. I’m not sure which scientific law it is, but I believe it’s one of Newton’s laws of thermodynamics: “matter can neither be created, nor destroyed”. Well, the logical conclusion that can be drawn from this, whether or not you believe in a God or higher power, is that “death” is merely a transformation. But what happens to your spirit you ask? You know, that “life force” that makes your trillions of atoms and molecules clump together and “live”. That I can’t answer, but in my humble opinion, it will be a great adventure.
September 16th, 2006 at 6:23
I am so happy to have found this post. I too have had a terrifying fear of death and dying since I was about 5. In the past week it has come back with a vengence. I am 24 years old and hearing about Steve Irwin dying just triggered something in me. I was diagnosed with Depression 3 years ago and have added anxiety to that in the past week. I have decided to seek professional help because my fear of dying has started to stop me from living. I don’t have any religious beliefs and I’m not the sort of person to believe in the afterlife without proof. I sit there thinking “well, life is for living so just get on with it and enjoy it” but then the other thoughts come into my head such as “well, what’s the point in doing anything If i’m just going to die anyway” or “I don’t want to turn into nothing.” I too have also thought along the lines of “well, i didn’t know anything before I was born so how will I know what happens when I die” It gets me down so much sometimes. I finally told my Dad about it on Wednesday night so hopefully this time I will be able to get the help I need and to reach a place of acceptance.
Someone should start up a message board or something about this so that people can get help and know they are not alone. I think it would help lots.
Thank you for posting this. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
September 17th, 2006 at 22:59
Jason,
Thank you for your comment! Don’t worry about grammar; I’m happy that you’re willing to share. And, as you say, maybe your journey with your partner will lead you into other thoughts and into a completely new phase in life.
Chris,
Interesting view! I only hope we get the change, in some way or another, to be aware of this great adventure!
Lou,
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosises, but I definitely think it was a good move to talk to your father. Being a parent myself, and from looking at my parents, I know (most) parents go through any length to help and support their children.
October 24th, 2006 at 5:14
I wanted to thank Chris for his thoughts on having already died several times in life and not remembering the people he used to me. That actually makes me feel a lot better.
A few days ago my dad told me he was taking medication to control his blood pressure because he wanted to live longer. At that moment I realized that my father was going to die one day, along with everyone I know, and also of course, myself.
Since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the fact that one day I will no longer exist, and It’s been scaring the living daylights out of me. Every time I think about it I start to cry–and I feel ridiculous because I know I’m crying over something that hasn’t happened and won’t happen for a long time. So I looked online to see what other people think about death, and what Chris said helped me out.
But I’m still upset about the fact that my loved ones, namely my parents will die; and I’ll be alive without them. I don’t know how to stop thinking about that
October 24th, 2006 at 8:54
Andrea,
Thank you very much for sharing. The thoughts you mention are very hard to deal with, but unfortunately, our only option is to face them.
October 25th, 2006 at 1:49
Hey
I am sooooo glad to of found this post. I honestly thought i was alone when night time comes and the fear of death overrides me, its comforting to know other people feel the same.
Like alot of you, i am absolutly terrified to the core, of dying.
I’ve also suffered ”attacks” when i think about death, they consist of me not been able to catch my breath. And its pretty scary stuff.
I’ve often pondered life, – Why we are here and things like that, but i didnt start Questioning it, till i lost people i truley loved. I have comfort in believing there is an afterlife, and although people have various oppinions, i begin to panick when somebody says ”once your gone, your gone”
I hate thinking about this, but things that remind me of my loved ones – usually triggers it off.
As i’ve said, im glad im not alone, i just wish i could stop feeling like this.
Also i NEED to believe i will see my loved ones again, i ‘ve just got to believe that.
Sorry about the longish post, im just a scared 16 year old who needed to express her feelings lol.
Thanks x
October 25th, 2006 at 8:39
Leanne,
I’m glad that you found comfort in finding that you’re far from the only one having these thoughts; to me it’s very comforting as well!
Don’t worry about how much you write; you’re free to write as much as you want here!
October 25th, 2006 at 14:38
Thanks very much Robert, i appreciate it x
October 27th, 2006 at 19:17
Hello all,
I have had a fear of dying for the last 10 years (since i was 21)…I have been to see doctors, been on tablets, read books searched for answers, but still my fear remains. I find it worst at night and during the winter when it gets dark earlier. My mind just starts analyse life and death over and over. Sometimes I forgett for a while and start to enjoy life again, but then the thoughts come back and hits me like a train. Panic attacks, crying, shaking intense fear. My life is so good when I am not scared, and this makes it worst knowing sometime I wiill never ever agian experiance the the wonders of life and the love of my family. I desperatly want someone to take me by the hand and show me where we go and what happens when we die and make it allright.
I know this sounds really bad but sometims I think about speeding up the process, to find out what happens now and end the constant misery of not knowing. I would never do this, for my families sake.
I long for help everyday. Am I being selfish? I think I am, but I also fear for all my family especially my wife and daughter.
Sorry to burden you with my woes, but I guess I am reaching out wherever I can.
Maybee I will never know.
Love to you all….
October 27th, 2006 at 22:15
Chris,
I’m really happy that you want to share your opinions here. I do relate to the need of knowing, but, like you say, speeding up the process might not help. Maybe that just leads to you never knowing, anyway.
Love your family and just make sure that you have the best time possible with them as long as you can. Thinking about these things sure makes petty arguments at home seem like such a waste of time…
October 28th, 2006 at 18:12
Chris,
I feel exactly the same as you, i just want somebody to show me what happens so i can enjoy my life without having this constant burden, and i agree with you that the fear is worse in the winter and the dark nights
Hope you find comfort from somewhere.
Leanne xx
November 3rd, 2006 at 1:29
Hello, well as all of you, my fear is death. I am only a young teeneager now, but it feels like yesterday since I was just starting school. When I look around me in a public busy place, I see many old people, which I dont have a problem with. I then realise that one day if I make it , I myself will be old. Then what happens. Death cant be expalined to anybody. The way you deal with it is the way you accpet it. Nobody knows what happens after death. If all feelings and emotions are not to be known then we will feel nothing? But is nothing something? Nothing must have something to it to make it a nothing, maybe I am coming accross like i have thought deeply about this, but that is only because everyday I panic that I wont be around my security – Life itself. People say ”Live each day as if its your last” But then wouldnt you quit your job and tick the boxes on your ‘to do list’? Maybe we should, but how would be survive? I hope that when death comes I can still think my thoughts and remember my memorys enough to help the living with the same feelings, maybe thats what ghosts try to do, but dont succeed. Who Knows anything really. All I know that is, we cant find out how to stop our fears with out medical advice, they will alwys be there, so instead of wasting time and life thinking about whats after life – Be life, Live life and Love life like you know no other.
Thanks for your time in reading some advice,! x
November 3rd, 2006 at 9:47
Sarah,
Absolutely, live life to the fullest! To me, it doesn’t necessarily mean to quit your job and just go do anything that comes into mind, but rather just try to make sure that you don’t regret what you do and the choices you make.
November 9th, 2006 at 20:56
It does feel better to know that there are people out there that have the exact same thoughts, fears, and panic/anxiety attacks.
I’ve had these fears since I was 6 years old. I remember asking my older brother what happens after death, and he had no answer. It started because I was trying to figure out the size of the universe, and realized that it is a never-ending expanse, that time will go on forever. Which means that I’ll be dead for just as long, an eternity. I cannot overcome that fact no matter what anyone says. I have also heard that it gets easier as people get older. I am now 29 year old and I still have panic attacks when I think of it (and a lot in the past couple of months). I don’t have trouble breathing, but I do panic. I know that I can distract myself and forget about it, but I sometimes don’t want to because I know that no matter what, I will ultimately have to face it. That’s about the time that I feel like screaming. Sometimes I do a short little scream to “get it out”. I have these thoughts at night. It isn’t scary in the daytime, and with people around.
I recently told my wife about it, and I feel much better that she knows how I feel. However, the feeling that I will still be alone and not be able to communicate with her for all time freaks me out.
I am still looking for an answer, but this is what I’ve come up with in the meantime. I asked myself, “when I’m on my deathbed, what would I have wanted to achieve in life to be OK to die”. This will differ with everyone, but for me, it is to have wonderful, loving children. It is to have loved my wife for many years, loved my family as much as anyone could be loved. It is to know that my legacy will go on through my children. To know that people have been influenced by me positively, that I’ve made a difference in this world. That I’ve laughed as much as I could, and have had many, many deep thoughts and conversations. So, that is what I aim to achieve by the time it’s going to end. I recently read an inspirational speech made by Steve Jobs of Apple fame, which talks of death as something to inspire to be all that you can be while alive. Here is a link to that speech: http://tillthend0.spaces.live.com/Blog/cns!B92B8B0496E1EBFC!258.entry
After all these years, this is the first time that I have tried to delve deeper into the subject by searching for “fear of dying” on Google. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone. Thanks for the entry, and for everyone’s comments.
November 9th, 2006 at 21:46
Jimmy,
Thank you very much for sharing! I’m glad that you’ve shared your fear with your wife so she can better understand you.
When it comes to children and finding meaning in life, I started feeling a lot better after my daughter was born. My main objective with life now is to make her life as good as possible, and I will do whatever it takes. If/when you get children, I’m sure you will find it just as wonderful as I do!
November 11th, 2006 at 15:22
Jimmy,
I love this part of the speech ” Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. ”
When i have my ‘attacks’ i usually say a prayer and im ok after a few mins.
I read this somewhere and hope it inspires you like it did me.
‘Life is a blessing to be lived, not a mystery to be solved’
I truely believe that heaven exists and this life is just a spiritual journey to prepare us.
Leanne xx
November 20th, 2006 at 18:24
When reading this I felt as if I had written it myself.
I have the same fears and I can’t understand how everyone walks around all day without freaking out about the fact that we will all stop existing some day. We will all some day die and that is it.
Is doesn’t matter what happens after your dead because you don’t exist anymore.
I am with a woman who is religious and has no fear of dying. I wish I could think and belive like that. I have studied phylosiphy, the mind religion and more. And it doesn’t matter if you are happy and have a kid or not. I do and I am but that doesn’t make death any less scary.
There is no such thing as a sole, everything you are is within your body and mind. Your feelings are a combination of ellectical pulses and chemical reactions. They can be effected easily by adding chemicals into your system which help make that point.
I like that argument if you don’t believe in god you go to hell. To me that would sure beat not existing at all.
You are no more important than an ant. or a fish at the bottom on the ocean. To think you are may make you feel better but it doesn’t make it real.
If you can distract yourself with hobbies and travaling like I do then maybe that’s the best. For me it’s getting harder and harder to disctract my self from the ultamite KNOWN. Funny when people call it the unknown.
We see life dying around us all the time. We know exactly what happens.
November 20th, 2006 at 19:30
hello, i am a 18 year old male who suffers from an intense fear of death. im always upset,very fatigued,my apetite and sleep are all messed up,and i feel theres nothing to do, therapy and/or medicine may help but that will not make death go away, i just feel like im always going to be miserable and there is no hope. Being Horrified of something that is certain to happen is a wretched feeling that i will never escape. im glad most of you find it comferting that others feel the same way, i wish i could say the same. i am also glad to hear that some pepople use the thought of an afterlife to put there fear at bay. But i unfortunately do not have that ability. i dont know what to do and i dont expect anyone else to know either. ill always be like this… and its ruining my life. thanks for hearing my sorrow.
Cory
November 21st, 2006 at 10:44
“i feel exactly the same way”, Cory,
Thank you very much for sharing. Ultimately, as far as I know, we will die, and it’s a fact we have to live with. My only solace is to live life as good as possible, be kind to others and just leave your little footprint in the world.
November 26th, 2006 at 17:45
My mother is 98 years old. Yesterday she fell and broke her left hip. We were later told she could not undergo surgery, it is a death sentence. The call of my mothers fall, and the paramedics were on the way, came a few minutes after I received a call from a dear friends wife, that her husband was dead, he had committed suicide. Death? My mother believes she will see God because of Jesus Christ dying for her sins, and the sin of the entire world, from Adam and Eve to the last sin on the earth. Is she wrong? My friend, born a Jew, lost hope in life. What is life really about? With all the order in the universe, are we to believe this is all there is. It is obvious that man will not survive himself. It is obvious that there are forces at work in man, sadly it is not Love, but hate.
When hate is projected in family’s, it is tragic. When self hate comes to suicide, tragic. When hate becomes a national agenda, as in the Middle East, the entire world pays the price, does it not?
Mankind has always looked outside himself for answers. Few have found truth. After years of study, I have found truth for me. I believe man is a sinner by nature. We have thoughts that cannot be explained. They come without warning, and if acted apon, would wreak havoc far worse than we now have. We have good thoughts also, far few are acted upon. Why? We have a nature than man can not explain. The Bible calls it a “fallen nature”. Fear? Is that what drives a man to except Jesus Christ? If need be. The Bible is one-third prophecy. I have studied the nation of Israel, the over 300 prophecies Jesus Christ fulfilled from the old testament for over 45 years. The call today by any nation for the destruction of Israel is right on time. The Euro Union, the computers that can track of 5 billion bits of info per second? Get a grip on reality. You can cut the tension in this world with the ole knife. The greatest lack in the world today is the lack of leadership. The premise that one man can make a great difference is still the one the world is searching for.
This man will be revealed in the settlement of the Middle East problems, that will blow up full scale in the coming years, closer than we think. Israel is going to attack Arab states with full force, defy the world, and pay a horrible price. Then comes the man of sin, according to the Bible, with his peace on earth plan, the world buys into it. The third temple get built in Jerusalem on Temple Mount. This is what the Bible claims. When was this going to happen? Shortly after Israel would be reborn as a nation. They would become a strong nation, and the entire world would eventually come against her. Do we see this? Without a doubt.
What does this have to do with death? Everything. The Bible states it simply, man is a sinner by birth, and by choice. In need of salvation. The Bible states that Jesus Christ paid the debt that man cannot pay before God. One God, one Salvation, One Way. The Bible claims man is eternal. Will live forever, somewhere. What is Hell? I do not know. But, I do know this, Jesus Christ is God’s provision for all mankind. Death should be feared, states the Bible. It states it simply, “The soul that sins will surely die.” That is all of us. So, if you do not accept the death of Jesus Christ, His blood attoning for your sin, there is no hope. Jesus stated it this way, “You are dead while you yet live.”
That is tragic. If you believe in God, you must also believe in Satan and demons. Jesus did. The Bible is full of living examples of demons at work in the world then. Do you really believe there is not a dark side? Get real!!!
The Bible states that Satan is the author of confusion. Jesus called any belief that takes you away from Himself dying for yours sins, “Doctrines of Demons”. Was He a liar?
I advise you to read C.S. Lewis books, Mere Christianity would be a great start. Make no mistake about it. There is life after death. Make sure you do not allow yourself to be fooled by the many religions who claim to be the truth. The Jews, for the most part, have not accepted Jesus Christ as Messiah. They will. The Bible states is clearly, “It is appointed to man once to die, after that, the judgement.” Fearful? Yes, it is a fearful thought, a man appearing before a perfect judge, who knows you inside out. No man will stand apart from the Blood of Jesus Christ attoning for his sins. Do not trample the Blood of Jesus Christ under your feet. The Bible states it clearly again, “The preaching of the Cross is foolishness to those who are perishing.” You best weigh the generation in which you live. This may clearly be the one who sees the last portions of Bible prophecy come to pass.
God is Love. Not willing that any should perish, but all come to repentance. I do not claim to understand God, His plan working out in the earth. Mans mentality is one of pride, “Well, if I were God, I would have done it this way.” How could a righteous God allow …………………..” It goes on forever. Mohammed claims Allah came to him to straighten out the errors of the Christians and the Jews. Oh, really?
Israel is God’s timeclock for mankind. It is a small thing to God, death. He has been watching man die since the son of Adam and Eve. Billions. Death is complete in every generation. It is total. No one escapes.
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes on Him will not persish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
For if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
Do you want salvation? Look deeply into the claims of Jesus Christ. Do not face God on your own merrit. The Bible clearly warns you. I do not understand the Love of God towards me, but I do believe Him.
God works through His Word. Read the Gospel of John and the Book of Romans. Give God a chance make His offer clear to your Spirit.
Closing……..My mother will be with God in the coming days. Ray, accepted Jesus Christ as his saviour, the Ultimate Blood Sacrifice.
AMAZING GRACE HOW SWEET THE SOUND THAT SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME? One of the most sung songs in the world, do not miss the truth of it. Pray to God to make His Word come alive in your Spirit.
I will be praying for you.
November 27th, 2006 at 14:23
George,
Thank you for your comment.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:05
My, I came to this rather late, it seems. : )
Given that I only recently turned eighteen, I slightly regret the fact that I spend my nights pondering the same questions you raised, Mr. Nyman. I am young! Full of life! Vigor! Vitality! Virility (though that one isn’t as well-advertised, I should think)!
And here I am, with that horrible sinking sensation tugging on my stomach everytime I seriously think about death.
It’s a miserable thing, but, like many before me, I can take some comfort in knowing that I am not alone in these thoughts. I suppose I fear the idea of nothingness most of all – the (harsh) reality that after my death I won’t feel a thing and the world will continue for years outside my perception. I don’t even know if I can properly explain why it scares me so, though I imagine that once I eventually puzzle it out, I’ll be better able to accept my ‘final destination.’
It’s a tad ironic, with that in mind, that I’m a fairly content fellow overall, and have improved my manner of living significantly because of that fear of death. It’s a powerful motivator, as one can imagine, to live my life as best I can, with the ultimate goal of not having any regrets whenever my life does come to a close.
One might even call it paradoxical, though, that I should be so terrified by the thing that forces me to enjoy every moment of life.
Much like some of the previous posters, I haven’t found an answer to my questions. But I’m glad I’m not the only one asking those questions – and certainly not the only one bringing it up in a public place for other people to discuss the issue in detail.
Thanks for the post, Mr. Nyman.
- Matt
December 19th, 2006 at 0:11
Hello again, Ive been reading some comments and some feedback, and its great to see that we are all in this together. You cant stop death, at one point or another you will die, worryin about it, isnt going to stop it, so whilst your alive, dont worry. worrry when the time comes to save regrets.
Life isnt fair, not one single bit of it, not for rich or for poor, or for colour or for fear. Everyone wants what they want. What gets to me is how can god take away people that make a differnce to what this world has come to, does god even decided who lives or die, he is the greater power, if so why take away Mother Tersea or Princess Diana within weeks of each other, and keep dreadful murders on earth?
Live free, play loud , have fun , die proud*
Keep it in mind instead of filling your mind with fear.
All the best xXx
December 19th, 2006 at 0:21
I could not of put it better myself.
If it took one person to get the world to listen it was Princess Diana, & her and Mother Teresa were the most inspiring women on this planet, ever.
Its so hard to understand why God has taken them, when like sarah said, there is murderers still roaming free.
The question of WHY will always plough our minds, but i do believe we’ll all meet again someday, somehow, somewhere.
For now – enjoy life. xxxxxxx
‘We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey.’
December 19th, 2006 at 14:55
Matt, Sarah, Leanne,
Thank you very much for your comments, and for continuing the discussion!
December 20th, 2006 at 2:51
I am 16 years old, and for the last 3 years of my life I have been obsessed and paranoid about death. I know that your consciousness leaves your body when you die, and there is a sufficient amount of scientific evidence to prove so. But I still have doubts of another parallel universe. I really hope there is a God out there.
December 23rd, 2006 at 11:47
Why do you think your consciousness leaves your body when you die?
Why do you believe there is a god?
What is it?
If you believe in heaven where is it?
How will you think without a mind?
How will you feel with out the chemical reactions required to produce feelings?
How will you exist when you stop existing?
Is there any evidence that one “sole†out of the billions that came before us continued even for a second pass?
I see no evidence of any of it. God was created by fearful people, I don’t blame them because reality sucks.
Our imaginations are powerful things. Mankind has feared death forever.
Some build pyramids thinking that would be the way to live forever.
Mummifying a body, maybe that is the way to live on.
All I see throughout history are people grabbing at any little tiny bit of hope that contrary to all we see and know there must be something after this, right.
There is evidence that there might have been life on mars as found on a meteorite found in Alaska. Not life like us but the start of life “Where life can exist life will existâ€Â.
Please cherish your lives, please cherish everyone else’s life and respect them.
The evidence points to us ceasing to exist when we die, so don’t be in a rush.
Telling people there is a god may make us feel better but it doesn’t make it real.
I think it’s dangerous because people now believe they are going to a better place when they die. If people are taught that most likely you will stop existing then maybe they won’t be to quick to end it all, or end it for anyone else.
Life doesn’t exist for a reason, it just is.
When a volcano explodes and kills everything is its path or fires burn and kill everything it its path after time life makes it’s way back. But it’s not the same life that died, it’s knew life.
Love life. Live it as long as you can.
Where is the end of the universe?
What’s on the other side?
January 7th, 2007 at 7:26
AND IN THE END…THE LOVE YOU MAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE…
YOU TAKE….
LENNON/McCARTNEY
January 14th, 2007 at 0:37
The matter of fact is : Nobody knows, we all have our own beliefs and faith, and thats the way life will be.
Who knows whats out there, all i can say is ‘believe what you want to believe, its your life’
Leanne xx
January 14th, 2007 at 3:31
I truly believe there are no coincidences in life and once again I am proven right! I was researching Phobia’s – because I wanted to write an article about the “Fear of Dying”.
Finding out how people really feel has been a challenge and then I came across this amazing post. I believe that the vast majority of us do fear death but do not discuss it openly…that’s what makes this post so wonderful. Some of you share thoughts and feelings that so many can identify with and take comfort in knowing they are not alone.
As for myself, I too have intense fears at times that have grown worse since the loss of three of my family members. I take comfort where I can and read many books such as Deepak Chopra’s “Life after Death”. The story of Mellen-Thomas Benedict was particularly comforting to me. You can read it here: http://www.mellen-thomas.com
Dawn
January 15th, 2007 at 9:12
Daniel, David, Barry, Leanne, Dawn,
Thank you very much for your comments!
January 18th, 2007 at 12:24
Have any of you read the book “THE POWER OF NOW?” If not, please read! It could be life changing for you.
January 18th, 2007 at 12:53
Virginia,
Thanks for the tip!
February 20th, 2007 at 23:59
I hope I’m not too late, I hope you’ll see this.
I’m from Sweden, so you have to excuse my spelling and grammar.
I’m 18 years old and I have feared death every now and then – a feeling that always returns – but recently it got a lot worse. It seems I can’t stop thinking about it. It has taken over my life. At first I just thought about it at night when I tried to sleep, lying alone in my bed, staring out in the dark. I have shed a lot of tears, and I have just stopped crying as I write this. This fear has sort of taken over my life. Whatever I’m about to do, the fear is there. I can’t study, I can’t sleep, I can’t embrace my loved ones without getting a weird feeling in my stomach. Like a void I cannot fill. And I cry, too often.
These last days I’ve been hoping for someone to break my heart. No, I mean it! I WANT someone to hurt me in such ways that it brings me throbbing pain, so that I can take my mind off this fear of dying. Make me heartbroken, from that I can heal. But this i cannot heal. This I cannot look beyond.
I’ve thought about other fears in life. Being afraid of heights, e.g. To overcome such a fear you should try to expose yourself to situations when you have to deal with your fear. I’ve been trying to find a way to overcome this fear, but I haven’t been able to find a good way to deal with it. I am still so young, and that is the only thought that eases my sorrow at this moment. But I fear the death of my beloved ones too. I am so afraid of being left behind, of having to say goodbye. I love my family so much, and I tell them this every day. I hold them tight EVERY DAY, and I get tears in my eyes as I do this. I just don’t want this to end, but I know I can’t do anything to prevent it from doing that. That is also a frightening thought; not being able to change what lies ahead. We all have to face death, that is the only thing that is absolutely sure. The thought of just disappearing, of not existing, scares the hell out of me. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about it, cause I can’t even imagine what will happen. When I picture myself dead, it feels like it’s a movie or maybe a game. “Game Over” and let’s start over. But then I realize that it’s not a game. It’s too real, and it will happen to me too. I will not escape death, no matter how much I want to.
Unfortunately I don’t believe in God. I believe in science and therefor I think my life will end as I take my last breath. I will be no more. I don’t think we have a purpose. And I don’t think we have a soul. I want to think otherwise, but I don’t find anything that supports other theories. I believe we think more of ourselves than we are. We don’t own this world, and it is not our world alone. We just happened to get to live in it, and we will die in it. That is what the aching inside of me tells me, but I still cling to a ray of hope. That we will live on after death, or maybe be reborn as something else. But I hope that there is a life after this. That I will see my loved ones again; in a better place, in a better world. That life is just a trial, and that everything will be alright once we have died. If I only knew that this was true..
That is why I hate being a human being; we always try to find an answer, we always want to know. We have this thirst for knowledge, but this we cannot quench. But maybe it’s a blessing that we don’t know about death. Maybe we can’t handle the truth, maybe it’s better than we think of it. No one knows for sure.
Someone said:
“Death is the most beautiful thing there is, and therefor we leave it to the end.”
Is there and end to all that has begun?
Is there a cure to all that has broken?
February 21st, 2007 at 3:09
Malin,
How terriably sad that an 18 year old feels the way you do.My heart goes out to you but let me share a few things before I too am gone.
I am 72 years old and think about my own death very often and what legacy or should I say lack of a legacy I am leaving behind.
In my 72 years I have lived and made many mistakes and many choices that have affected many people.Some choices affecting the people in a very positive way and other choices affecting people in a very negative way. These were my choices and decisions which I will be forever judged by.They are done and over with and I cannot correct them or go back nor would I really want to relive those moments so I just continue on making the best of a very difficult life situation.
I one time believed in the whole concept of God,Jesus, and The Holy Ghost but (man) the brethren in a church took all of that away so now I am left without faith or hope but I live on and now must make a new life without this doctrine.
Somehow we as humans can rise above extreemly difficult objects and exceed where everyone else has failed.
You must not give up and simply keep on doing the things that bring joy and satisfaction in your life no matter what that might be. Good luck and try not to dwell so much on the here after but make each day count as a reward for yourself.Try doing something good for yourself or someone else each and every day and you will have a better outlook.
February 21st, 2007 at 9:20
Malin,
Thank you very much for sharing! I’m sincerely sorry that you feel that way, but I have to say that all I can say is the same as Neal: Don’t give up! Be strong! I think the only solution is to focus on on the things and to try and make the most out of life, since trying to figure death out and find a solution/explanation will just make you feel even more sad.
Neal,
Thanks a lot for your comment and for your advice!
February 21st, 2007 at 11:24
Thank you so much for answering. It really means a lot to me, having people to talk to about this. I’ve got some friends, too, that I can share these thoughts with, and it really makes it a lot easier to carry this burden.
I don’t know what has happened to me. I skipped school today and just lay in bed all morning. And suddenly everything feels better. I’m still very afraid of dying, but at this moment I don’t panic as I think about it. Maybe I’ve cried so many tears that there are none left. I guess I have more or less come to terms with the unchangeable fact that there is nothing I can do about it, so what’s the point in dwelling on what may or may not happen? This is me when I’m positive, or maybe it’s just a result of me being so fed up with crying all the time.
I will try to live every day as if it were my last, and appreciate all that we have here in this world. My family and friends, the sunset, shooting stars, love, basketball and just all the things that make me happy. It is not a soothing thought that this is all the time I’ve got, but if so may be it, I shouldn’t waste one single second. I’m used to expecting the worst and then make the best out of the situation, so that’s what I’ll try to do this time as well.
Thank you again – all of you – for all that you have written. It has sincerely helped me, and hopefully I can continue living my life now, despite the growing fear of mine. We’re in this one together, right?
February 21st, 2007 at 14:52
Malin,
We’re definitely in this together!
You’re far from alone.
February 28th, 2007 at 5:41
I also feel much better having found this thread…though I’ve been crying while reading.
Until recently, I thought about death occasionally. Waves of fear would come over me and they would leave as quickly as they came. However, after the birth of my first child I developed a preoccupation with death. I guess suddenly feeling like I had to stick around for this little sweetheart made me think about saying goodbye someday.
I really hope this sadness and fear will diminish, as it’s so darn painful.
I recently heard a story about an elderly woman that comforted me. She had lived a wonderful and rich life but grew tired with physical ailments and finally felt like she wanted to leave this world and stopped eating. I think it’s hard for us to imagine that we might WANT to leave.
Also, on a neurobiological level, fear diminishes in our later years, which helps us get ready to depart.
Robert, thank you so much for starting this very important post.
February 28th, 2007 at 9:43
Carrie,
Thank you for sharing!
And yes, I sincerely believe/hope one’s attitude will change later in life, that one will feel more balanced and have come to terms with the notion of dying.
March 1st, 2007 at 8:57
[...] have this short time in our lives. Would you want to know? Related reading I’m afraid of dying Hurt Posted in Personal/life Add to: D [...]
March 3rd, 2007 at 15:26
I hope everybody who reads this thread does find some kind of compfort.
This quote is quite compforting to me – “Death is the most beautiful thing there is, and therefor we leave it to the end.†So thank you Malin for posting that.
I hope you all get what you want out of this life and live it to the full, i dont think we will ever know whats next after death, but as Princess Diana once said ”Life is just a journey”
Take Care
Leanne xxxxxxx
March 26th, 2007 at 6:39
-Beforehand, I just want to apologize for the paragraph structure etc, it’s nearly 1 am, and I’m slightly scatterbrained-
Here I find myself, I’ve been 17 for about 8 minutes so far(12:08 when I started writing this). Yet, it’s not a joyous occasion. Just a sobering reminder that it’s one more year that I won’t have. I should be happy, I still have my youth, I’m doing well physically, I couldn’t be more satisfied with how intelligent I am, I should be another carefree teenager, yet I’m still incessantly plagued by this demon so to speak on my shoulder, that chilling reminder that, inevitably, one day I’m not going to be here. I just cling to the ridiculous hope that one day, by the time I’m 60 medical technology will be advanced enough to prolong death by 50 or so years, and by that time, they will have figured out why exactly we die, then we can stop it. If not that, then I’m going with being cryogenically frozen, at least there I’ve got a glimmer of hope, I just refuse to accept this fate, it may happen to everyone else, but not me.
I wish I were a religious person, I earnestly do, yet science has completely erased that notion from my mind. Yet, if there were the Christian God, or any other for that matter, if they were truly all-knowing and benevolent, I hope that I would not be damned for something that I cannot help. Yet as it is right now, I would much rather go to this “Hell” than to have that eternal black abyss which is what I think death is at this moment. I can’t fathom the nothingness as odd as it sounds, I can’t fathom not having my future wife or my future children, my loved ones, it’s just unbearable to have well, nothing. As someone put it so well in an earlier post, I refuse to accept that everything that I worked so hard to achieve being unjustly stripped from me, those emotions I worked so hard to develop, it’s just not possible.
This is a typical night for me, staying up into the hours of the morning thinking of dying, yet my girlfriend, she helps when I’m able to talk with her. I feel somewhat guilty though, it’s awful to burden others with something such as this, I hope that I won’t influence my younger brother, I would love for him to grow up and be a religious person, I would hate for him to live as I do, with this constant worry. I sometimes think of “speeding up the process” as well, but in my heart I know I could never do it, but I think of it sometimes, just to end this grief, as unrealistic as it sounds. I can’t say that I’m comforted by knowing that other people feeling the same way sadly, but it feels better to let people know how I feel, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. I’ll be sure to back, and I thank you for taking the time to read this. This won’t stop the tears, or the panic attacks, or the times when I can’t catch my breath, but it’s early in the race, maybe there is hope after all.
P.S.
Needle in the Hay, by Elliot Smith is an amazing song (from The Royal Tenebaums)
So is I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Deathcab for Cutie (warning: it’s ridiculously depressing, but sometimes it feels good to cry)
I’ll be sure to return, thank you so much.
Morgan
March 26th, 2007 at 7:55
Morgan,
Thank you very much for the courage to share!
I think that my thoughts about became the strongest during my late teens (I’m 32 now). I have to say that, while I’m still afraid of dying, the feelings have subsided a little.
Throughout life I’ve tried to make sure that I take chances and make sure I get/take the opportunity to do as much as possible, but not on the expense of others, of course. And, to me at least, with all the things I’ve done, travels I’ve undertaken etc, it has helped me to find at least some peace; seeing all the beauty in life and beyond all the evil that happens every day.
And, as mentioned above, then having my children has really become the final piece in the puzzle. Now I think that I, mostly, have come to terms with that I can’t change anything, and instead just try to be as happy as possible, and make people around me that too.
April 14th, 2007 at 10:45
I believe there is life after death and the God does exist and wants us to do our best here on earth.There are many lessons we must learn and everyone has a reason for being here. I too am so very scare to die. But someone once told me the living are the dead ones and the dead are the living,don’t know if i believe this but i hope it’s right. Everyday i feel like i am dying and i get scared to no end. But i only hope God will let me live a long and wonderful life with my family.
April 15th, 2007 at 20:33
tina,
Thanks for commenting! I do wish you a wonderful life!
April 18th, 2007 at 0:23
I am 27 years old and I have the biggest fear of death. about 4 months ago my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and ever since then I cant stop thnking of death . It seems like everytime I turn on the T.V some one is dying . Recently my boyfriends cousin passed he was my age the night before he died we all hung out and the next day he was gone . I just dont know how to stop thinking about it every day. or at least stop the fear of it … need some advice … thanks
April 18th, 2007 at 9:19
MARY,
Thanks for your comment! While this advice might not sound any good, I think the only option to stay sane about is to focus on the good things. You can never get over the fact that we will all die, just try and come to terms with it.
We can never win over death, only try and not let the fact break us.
My father got prostate cancer at the age of 60, and he survived it for 4 years before it took his life. The cancer eventually spread and it led to unthinkable: my father dying.
I sincerely want to give you my best wishes to your dad in his fight against the cancer. Some people do make it through, and there is still hope.
All the best!
April 30th, 2007 at 5:56
I am not religious and, honestly, I think that is a detrement in my case. I get the same “waves” totally out of the blue…even during a funny movie, or if I am with my loved ones.. I literally “shake it off”, but inevitibly, it comes back….maybe not the same day, or even for a while, but it does come back. This has happened all of my life, and I am tired of living my life with these thoughts, but they will not go away! The thought of no longer existing absolutely terrifies me. Can someone please help me put this all in a healthy perspective (nothing religious, please) so I don’t end up an old woman on her death bed regretting wasting her life worrying about dying?! Thanks!!
April 30th, 2007 at 10:49
noralee,
Thanks for your comment.
My humble advice is to just try to shake it off, just as you say you do. Try and come to terms with it, and just focus on other things.
Easier said than done, I know.
May 1st, 2007 at 2:18
About 2 months ago, I had bad chest pains and had taken too much caffenine in my body.(POP, CAFF. Pills.) I had serious panic attack, thinking my heart was done for and I was dying for sure. Well over the course, they did multiple heart, whole body searches and Im great. Well, if you saw me two months ago to now, you’d think i was perfectly better. I think in a degree Im about 85% better. I worry about death a couple times a day….and worry about my life. Tho, I do have a marriage comin up, I have a 1 yr old baby and my lifes harder now. I think Time heals everything…and yes I believe in afterlife but i still have fears…i still worrry. Some days are alot better then others…but stress helps you worry…..I hope to be perfect like I was before the 2 months ago.
May 2nd, 2007 at 8:50
shane,
Good luck recovering!
May 4th, 2007 at 3:23
Who would have thought all of these thoughts would be found in one place! I accidently got here because I was seeking inspirational thoughts for presentation at a TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) meeting. As always have fought my weight so was looking for some good advice to pass on to the others in the group.
Surely death is one experience that every human shares. Along with breathing, bowel functions, eating, and other daily necessities, but nothing holds the mystery for each of us with the exception of death. At the age of 70 I know it is on the horizon and I’ve been giving it some thought lately.
I think my main concern is in the way it will happen. I fear a sudden demise, either by a stroke or heart attack or accident ( so many things undone, unsaid, if it hits suddenly, unexpectedly) and almost would prefer a lingering illness (hopefully without excessive pain). But since we are not given a choice it is the great mystery that faces us all.
Not alot of my thoughts go into what lies after death. I have never been a great navel contemplator. Never wondered why was I born, why am I living?
My body has existed for all these years but is showing signs of wear and tear (think of a 70 year old car) but it’s still running and I appreciate that, although have a few rattles and sagging fenders. I won’t miss it all that much!
In reading all of these thoughts on death it is for sure we all share common thoughts. We should take this and try to be kind to one another. At any rate life is short even if we live to 100. Peace to all that get to this website.
May 4th, 2007 at 13:36
Janice,
Thanks for your comment! I agree, it’s a great mystery which we most likely never will be able to understand (and perhaps it’s best that way).
Be kind to each other is a great advice!
June 1st, 2007 at 13:47
I accidentally came across this site while surfing about death. I’m an older person in ill health who has been consumed lately with great apprenhension about dying. Aging hasen’t made me come to terms with it either.
However, reading these posts has shown me that others share some of my same concerns and this has really made it a bit easier for me.
June 1st, 2007 at 14:08
Mary Beth,
Thank you for your comment!
If it in any way could help, I’m sincerely glad.
June 13th, 2007 at 23:04
I completely understand you. for as long as I can remember, I`ve had the same fears. I`m only 22, and it fells like I`m going crazy! Not a day goes by without me panicking about death. I`m seriously considering going to a psychiatrist with this, beacuse its ruining my life. I can`t enjoy my children the way I should, because I`m so afraid of dying, or loosing them.
It`s like I`m a totally different person, and that I don`t belong on this earth….
June 13th, 2007 at 23:08
andrea,
If you feel that way, and think that a psychiatrist is a good option, by all means, see one. I hope you can also take comfort in the comments found here, and elsewhere on the Internet, to see that it is a pretty common phenomenon and you are far from alone with those feelings.
June 14th, 2007 at 9:44
After finding this page, I kind of feel better. the fear of dying is still there, but in a strange way it`s kind of reassuring knowing that I`m not alone with these fears and thoughts, and I think that can help me the times I get anxious about death. We`re not alone.
June 14th, 2007 at 12:30
andrea,
I’m glad to hear that.
June 22nd, 2007 at 16:17
Your thoughts and mine are parallel. I think most people refuse to allow themselves to think about it or they use religion to deal with the terror and fear that comes when thinking of your own demise. I haven’t found a thing that works for my own terrors. My Dr. said that what works for him is the fact that no one has come back from the dead to complain about it to him, so perhaps it’s not to bad. For awhile that helped but then it stopped helping.
Like you, I have a fantastic life. Most of the things I’ve found online dealing with constant thoughts of death are for the suicidal, which I am not, in fact, I’m as far opposite from suicide as you can be, I want my life to last forever as I’m enjoying it so much.
June 22nd, 2007 at 23:05
Debe,
Absolutely, it’s good to point out that this is the exact opposite of being suicidal. It’s about loving life and not just wanting it to end!
July 13th, 2007 at 9:19
I’m glad I found all of you to chat with. For the last month I have been terribly obsessed with death and afraid and what happens to us etc. I am in my 40′s and I have lost a couple of friends suddenly and since then I have obsessive thoughts about this. When I try to bring this up to anyone they look at me like I’m crazy and they all seem like it does not bother them so I have let it go and just starting looking for things to read online. Here is what I really think. I think if you are lucky you live your life out naturally until its time to go and then there will be a peace for all of us. The problem is I use to believe there was an afterlife and the more and more I thought about it, I feel we just do not exist. I want desperately to think there is something else but recently I just cannot. My best friend died of leukemia in 4 days, 4 days and she had 3 children and so much to live for. When I saw her lying in her coffin I thought she looked awful, like she struggled on her way out. It seems that everyone forgets about you fast to. As you can see I am troubled by all of this and trying to find some answers. I am probably going to start going to church again. I really need some peace from this
HUGS
July 14th, 2007 at 21:56
TONI,
Thank you for your comment! I’m glad if you could find any comfort in this article and its comments! I’m sincerely sorry for your friend and her poor family.
Just recently I attended a funeral for a friend to my family, who got cancer and then was gone in one week. It is really terrible, and even more exasperating knowing that we can’t change or affect such things.
I don’t propose that we should be apathetic or blind for these facts, but my humble suggestion is to acknowledge how fragile life is, and then move on to enjoying the short time we have here.
August 14th, 2007 at 15:15
I am kind of releavied and saddened at the same time that someone feels and thinks the same way I do, and experience the dreams you dont want to call dreams because they are so real. I try to explain to people what is like while you are awake with the fright of things most people would be fine with and, the dreams when you have to ask yourself if it was real or not beacuse they are so vivid and real. I hate the fact that I am so scared of dying and I dont know why and I dont need anyone to quote any parts of the bible that wont help. So if you find something that helps you let me know.
Tabitha
August 27th, 2007 at 19:56
Tabitha,
Thank you for your comment! If I find anything that helps, I’ll make sure to share it (besides from the things mentioned in the comments above).
October 11th, 2007 at 13:40
[...] My current fear is that tomorrow, Friday, I’ll be traveling to Italy with my employer for a four-day conference, and I’m terrified. At a first glance it seems great fun, and it might very well turn out to be just that. But, the risk here is the flying and the consequence if anything goes wrong. I’m not afraid of flying, I’m afraid of dying. [...]
October 21st, 2007 at 23:08
Thanks for all the people that have posted on this timeless topic.
I am 27, but at feel relieved that other people younger than me also feel this way.
I somehow can’t bring myself to believe in religion and other “super natural stuff”, as much as I wish I could, it wouldn’t be sincere, and I wouldn’t be fooling anybody (especially myself)
It seems cruel that we as a species are intelligent enough to become so aware of our mortality. It seems to me the only point to life is really – to live. For as long as we can. Personally, I would offer my body to science if they could keep me concious on life support when I eventually get to that age where death would take me naturally. Even just a eternal sleep, at least to be able to dream. But the thought of not existing anymore – of nothingness – it is absolutly terrifying.
I get that feeling of something coming to an end, like a great tv series or novels, its just makes me very sad.
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:46
Milo,
Thanks for writing!
I think it’s an interesting point you touch on there: would we be happier if we weren’t aware of our mortality? Or does it help us to make sure we make the most out of life since we know we’re just here for a short time?
I don’t know. but I hope awareness makes us better people in some way.
October 22nd, 2007 at 18:47
I’m on holidays, in a fancy hotel, living a fancy life and there is just nothing I can do about it.. Death is haunting my dreams, my living, my toughts all day long… Can’t stop thinking about it.
Is it because we did well and we don’t want to loose everything…
Are we affraid to loose memories or control ?
What would you choose, control or memories ?
Then I started thinking…
Would it make more sense to live forever ? Never ever die..
100 Millions of years.. How would that work out ?
I can see my buddy calling me, “want to go to cancun..?”
Mmmmm…. Maybe in 20 years buddy.. Call me back..
Why we apreciate things and moments so much.. It’s because we know we might loose them tomorrow.. Isn’t that a way to balance our life… Would you care as much if you knew you couldn’t ever loose all you have..
Why bother.. He’ll or it’ll be there tomorrow.. I Know for a fact..
So after those 100 millions years of living, if I gave you the option to die.. Would that make more sense now? … Personnally I think I would try it.. Cause I would be bored to death.. I have seen this earth too long, bored of the people, everything..
Would you listen to a endless movie.. ? No, because there is no ending..
So does it take a god to create a balanced life like that ?
– Now talking about god… –
If there is a god..
Who is his god ?
He popped out out of nowhere one day.. ? Can’t be..
So that god must have a god..
And that next god must of have god too…
If it’s dark and a light appears, something made that light appear.. But that something must come from somewhere that was dark before..
Expodentiel eh ? It had to start somewhere no ?
— Conclusion —-
We are all fuck.. No kidding..
With time I started to talk to people about my ways of seeing life,death and god, but you got to be careful of what you say and what you do… Because we are powerful and if one day I believed in god so bad and you convinced me that he doesn’t exist…Then the next morning you just ruined my life, because I don’t know what to believe in anymore.
And yes… I start to be affraid of death…
I’m 27… and I my biggest fear iis death.
Thanks for taking the time to read my mind..
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:19
Ben,
Thank you for your comment! Yuur thoughts are indeed valid, and knowing that things will end does help us to more appreciate certain moments.
But that’s little consolation, since we know the inevitable is waiting for us.
October 27th, 2007 at 18:43
Well, I think we would be happier if we weren’t aware of our mortality. But I don’t think as “intelligent” beings ,who always wonder how and why, that we can avoid “being aware”. Sooner or later everyone wonders about death, and the total horror of it sinks in.
It really goes along way to explain why religion is such a big part of mankind – its just a pity that some shrewed people have taken such advantage of it for political reasons.
I heard somewhere that our deaths are programmed into our dna. If someone could tell me when I was going to die (assuming that no external factors played a role), I wonder if I would want to know. I guess it would be better than obsessing over it, but I would really start freaking out when the time came near…
October 29th, 2007 at 8:52
Milo,
Yes, wheter we want to know when we’re going to die is a tough question. I touched a little bit on it in my post Would you want to know when you will die?.
November 9th, 2007 at 18:18
Like most here I am afraid of death.
Actually terrified is a better term, and after a recent hospital stay its only gotten worse. It’s not the waking up in the middle of the night screaming or shaking as others have ascribed to here, but a constant all consuming worry that fills every waking second of my life.
An analogy I use when talking to friends about this fear is the idea that a wolf in a bear trap will chew its leg off to escape. But in my case, the leg won’t come off but the pain of trying to chew away at it is there.
As I have no living family anymore, my friends are my family so my fear centers around whether I will cease to exist when I die, or whether they do somehow remain. Even the argument that if I cease to exist I won’t know it, so why worry? Hasn’t helped. I’ve poured over countless websites looking for some evidence of any sort of ‘afterlife’ and NDE’s seem the only semi-scientific evidence of a continuation after death. But there are just as many scientists that say these are just the effects of the brain shutting down at the moment we die.
What makes it all the more frustrating is that my friends (Who are also my housemates), who I am as close to as one normally would be to immediate family all have this ‘innate’ sense that we carry on after we die. And all are 100% sure of this as fact. None of them are particularly religious, though one is very spiritual (if you grasp the difference). So I feel like I am somehow broken and lack this innate/instinctive feeling that I should have and be as comfortable as they are.
As strange as this may sound, I have sort of started wishing to find out. Somehow die and come back just to know one way or the other. And before anyone jumps the gun — I am not suicidal — even remotely. But to experience an NDE might help me, but even if I dropped dead this instant and was revived, only something like 18% of people who clinically die and get revived have an NDE so again, the wolf in the bear trap.
Anyway, thanks for letting me comment here. I hope one day, somehow, all of us who are afraid will find something to put our fears to rest.
November 9th, 2007 at 21:26
Jon,
Thank you for sharing!
I think it’s very interesting what you describe, and I can relate to what you mean about wishing to find out how it really is. And, just as you state, the curiousness of getting to know should in no way be mixed up with being suicidal or wanting to die.. It’s just about wanting to know.
It sounds to me, though, that you have really close friends who do understand you. They might not understand or relate to your fear, but to me it seems like they at least respect it. And that’s pretty good in my book, to have close ones who are there for you.
November 13th, 2007 at 23:05
Hi Robert! Thanks for your article, and thanks to all the people who have commented.
I’m a Norwegian 24 year old guy with exactly the same problem as many have described above.
I get panick attacks – usually in the evening when I try to go to sleep. I can’t accept that there may be NOTHING after life, and for ever-ever-ever.
I have been afraid of death since I was around 6, but I have had long periods without “minding” death. Usually around once a year, the fear returns.
I have strong social phobia, and feel there could be a connection between this and my fear of death. That I maybe, unconciously, feel that I’m not getting “all out of life”.
I am afraid of my life ending without me knowing. I’m afraid of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, and be killed by a suicide bomber, for example.
Even though I very much wish I was, I’m not a religious guy. I believe religion – as we know it – is all made up. But I also believe that there MUST be a reason why we are here. I don’t believe in God [of Christianity], but I believe there is a god, a greater power.
I feel comfort in thinking that “all eternity” not only is coming, but that is also is were we came from. We have already been dead (not born) for all eternity.
I’ve created an e-mail account for which I would be very happy to get in touch with other people with this same fear. Please write to me at afraidofdeath@live.no.
-Norwegian Guy
November 14th, 2007 at 12:46
Norwegian,
Thank you for sharing with us!
I can definitely relate to the fear of missing out when it happens. i.e. having no way to prepare myself and people around me, or having any chance to affect the outcome and hopefully preventing it.
December 4th, 2007 at 0:37
Hello..
I too “stumbled opon” this thread…and like so many others on here I too am scared shitless of death and dying…
Im 35, and this JUST hit me last week. I too do not believe in “God” or “heaven”. I came from a religous family(My mother’s a ordained minister) and grew up with the bible read to me daily. When I was younger…I think I believed..I didnt know any better. As a adult now, with children of my own…I know better. I KNOW thats IT. I even studied the paranormal extensively…hoping…grasping that to be a GHOST…you have to have been a person who had died…and was still “thinking”. I know now THA’TS not true…
Who knows…Tomorrow the iranians might nuke us all..and we ALL die..
What then?
All I know…is right now…right here..this moment..
Im sick of the panic attacks….the crying jags…the hammering heart..
Finding this thread….like for so many others..HAS helped..more then you even KNOW.
Made me realize I’m NOT alone in this feeling..I DONT have to go this horror alone..
Please..Talk to me…tell me everything’s going to be ok…
December 4th, 2007 at 10:32
Jessica,
First, I’m really glad you want to share and that this thread has helped you in any way, seeing that lots of other people feel the same way.
I wish that I could say that everything will be ok, but unfortunately it’s not fair to say that or make the assumption. However, I do strongly hope everything is going to be ok for you, and anyone else for that matter. I hope that we will live on, in some sense, but at the same time I think we owe ourselves and people around us to make the most out of our own lives each and everyday.
December 10th, 2007 at 14:18
Hello,
After reading a poem for eng. lit. about the Peterloo Massacre I am having an increasingly hard time dealing with these thoughts.
I am not so much worried about my death, just my mother dying I am 18 and she is 37 so I don’t know why I am panicking so much, we have (im sure) alot of time left, yet I just cannot bare the thought of her leaving me.
Reading through the previous posts has helped me to an extent but writing about this just made me break down in tears again, I spoke to my mother about this yesterday and she reassured me, it did work I was happy for the evening afterwards but today I have just scared myself again. I myself look forward to a nice long eternal sleep after all the hard work we put in to survive but the thought of my mother leaving … I don’t think I can/could cope. My post has been a bit repetitive I realise and as much as the previous posts have helped is there anything anyone would suggest on the matter?
Thankyou so much for posting this, I feel better after writing or speaking about this stuff but no doubt in about an hour i’ll be all depressed again…
Thankyou again,
Kayleigh
December 10th, 2007 at 18:11
Kayleigh,
Thank you for your comment!
Writing and talking about seem to help, at least for the moment. ANd that’s the worst, isn’t it? Either dying and leaving the loved ones behind, or losing someone who’s very close to you.
It sounds like a cliché, but just make sure you get the most out of your time with your mother as possible, that’s the best you can do.
December 11th, 2007 at 23:50
Thankyou for the reply, I think it’s great what your doing, most people with blogs don’t tend to reply to people who post!
Your reply did actually make me think yes just make the most of the time… lets see how long it lasts !!
Take care,
Kayleigh
December 12th, 2007 at 0:10
Kayleigh,
All the best with making life as beautiful as you can!
December 18th, 2007 at 17:38
This subject has really touched me. Recently I have been having more and more of these anxiety attacks.. it’s when I think about what happens when I die.. do I vanish into nothingness.. what happens to my thoughts, will I be stuck.. is it endless nothingness.. it even gets me into a knott writing this. I woke up last night, after having my first dream about it, and my entire body was shaking. It took my boyfriend to walk me around the house and tell me to breath!! – It’s getting crazy. I’ve never had these feelings, well, not this much untill the last few weeks.
I just want you to know, Robert, that I really know how you feel. It feels silly, and I have a good life, but I just cannot shake this feeling.
I have faith, but have recently read a book which has led me to question this, and I think all my fears about death have been multiplied.
I have learnt to breathe slowly, and remember that I am loved, and plan something fun to do.
This is still very very hard, and I really do know what you’re going through.
Lisa.
December 19th, 2007 at 0:39
Lisa,
Thank you very much for sharing! It is hard, but I think if the ones around us understand us, it helps us to suppress and at the same time helps us to get closer to our loved ones.
December 19th, 2007 at 10:03
Robert,
You are right.
I managed to find the courage to speak to my boyfriend about this last night. I really didn’t think I could talk to him about this and be so honest – but I did.
I would like to tell you, that as a result of my post on here, and my conversation with my boyfriend, I am now finding a real sense of inner peace and calm.
Some things we don’t need to question, especially when there aren’t the answers there, and it’s ok to say -”ok, this will happen, I have no idea what is or isn’t there afterwards, but right now I’m here.”
I still have a little anxiety, but I think that may be attributed to the lack of sleep.
I hope you are also able to find peace.
With love
Lisa
December 19th, 2007 at 11:10
Lisa,
It makes me very happy to hear that. For my sake, I’m at peace, at least most of the time.
January 4th, 2008 at 0:57
I am so glad I found this site as many others seem to feel as I do. I always thought I was alone in this matter because everytime I talk to someone about it they are always saying something like, “Nope, I’m not afraid of dying. When it happens, it happens. Nothing you can do.” – They are okay with this! Why can’t I just be able to accept it? I developed this fear back in my preteens.. I think around the time my Nana died. She was my world. But ever since then, I would have these panic attacks as some of you have had. They would keep me wide awake and I would find that I would start to breathe too fast. I would run upstairs to my mother bawling in histarics and she would comfort me telling me she used to feel the exact same way as I do right now when she was my age. She learned to overcome it as she got older. She isn’t afraid at all anymore. Now I am 20.. and happily married. I still feel this way on occasion and my husband (how sad it is) does not comfort me when these attacks hit me in waves. He has always accepted it and says if he died tomorrow, that that is just life. I will find my self laying in bed wondering how the Earth was made.. wondering if the universe has an end like everything else.. and how human existance came about. Then it will turn into me thinking how I was never here in billions.. and trillions… and the lord only knows how many years. Now, I am not a religious person at all… I never was. I believe in science. But I do believe in a higher power.. a higher energy. Everything is made of energy. Everything has a certain combonation of atoms that can be altered to form something new… If altered enough you can come out with something extrodinary. i.e. Life… I have learned to slow my breathing when these attacks happen and think about the science aspect of life. I was never here before… something created me. I am made of energy. My body is energy. Your soul is energy. Energy doesn’t die. Physical form does die.. but your energy, your soul will carry on forever. Where it goes is the question. Will it fall into someone who is ill and revitalize them? Will it sink its way into some one who has been in a coma for months and wake them? Will it absorb into a bed of soft flowers that bee’s will so often polinate.. Will they go back to their hive and produce their honey from the pollen they gathered with your energy absorbed inside it? Will the honey be stolen by a bear? Will the bear be killed for food for a hungry man or woman? That bee picked up the pollen from the flowers to make honey.. which was to be stolen by the bear.. who was killed by the hunter for food. The hunter will have your energy absorbed into them. Maybe that’s what happens when we die.. it is what I cling to for my little bit of hope. But wait! What if we become extinct like the dinosaurs? What happens then? Where does our energy go? Life has to be somewhere else other than Earth. We can not be the only living creatures in the entired cosmic universe. We can’t be. Maybe our energy travels to those far, hidden worlds. This is my hope.. this is my heaven. All things were never just here. Something created it. Something created the univers. I believe there is a “Universal Energy” for all things in the cosmis unknown. There has to be. That is the only explantion for why things are here. Why we have grass.. why we have stars.. why we have water.. and planets.. and air. They didn’t just appear one day. Something made them. Something created the energy that all things are made of. We arenn’t alone. Energy will never die.. it will go on for ever in one way, shape or form.
I want to thank you for creating this site. If I had not of stumbled on it I would never, ever have been able to spill my real thoughts about everything. Now, I do feel better and I hope some, if not all, of you do too. Thank you!
January 4th, 2008 at 20:48
Cat,
Thank you very much for sharing! Also, I’m glad that reading what people have written here helped you in any way.
January 13th, 2008 at 4:44
I am so afraid of dying right now I am merely 19 yearsold and the worst fear I have is my mother dying. I feel like every day passes by so quickly and I’m getting older and older. I seriously am attatched to my mother and don’t what I will do withour her. But what I fear most is there is no life after death, and that there is no eternal soul. It freaks me out especially at night and thats all I think about I can’t even pay attention in school. All I think is when will that person die when will my proffesor die, will I know will I care? I mean I don’t know it has to happen but I just can’t deal with it now.
January 14th, 2008 at 8:30
MPATEL,
That’s the challenge for all of us, to find meaning in our everyday lives even we know (or think we know) that we’re only here for a certain amount of time and nothing’s eternal.
January 21st, 2008 at 1:46
I wrote may 1st on here about my worries and i have gotten so much better but to this day, I fear…but have become more acceptant. Life is tough, hard but its fun, happy. I have 1 goal…..grow old and healthy. I believe ima live till my 80′s..I hope yall better and ill be back.
January 21st, 2008 at 15:22
shane,
Thanks for commenting! I’m glad to hear that you feel better! Interesting to hear/see how people’s feelings have evolved over time.
January 25th, 2008 at 18:54
Hi,
This site is so intresting. I am in my 30′s and have thought of this subject often, especially as I have gotten older. I have began to realize my mortality more since I have had children. I too fear leaving or losing something that I love so much it hurts. I have fears and anxiety about death and have tried many ways to ease these fears. I am religious and I believe in a higher power. I do not believe that we exist and live and form strong feeling and thoughts for one another for nothing. I dont believe those feelings just go away when your dead. I have been cursed yet blessed with watching someone die. Maybe to some that may make sense and others it won’t. I can tell you it was a child in a very tragic situation. It devestated me on a human level yet comforted me on a spirtual level. What I mean by that is I felt tremendous pain for this loss BUT when you watch someone die, the body transforms LITERALLY it is almost as if you can see the soul leave. The body is like a shell. The closest thing I can describe it to is metamorphisis. The “life” is gone so its hard to imagine that this “life within” dies too. I hope this makes some sense to you. Has anyone else had a similiar experience?
January 25th, 2008 at 19:36
Christy,
Thanks for writing!
I saw my father die, and I can’t say that I share the same experience/sentiment as you, but I do understand where you’re coming from. To me, it just tore me apart and is without a doubt the worst moment in my life.
However, since he was sick and I had a trip planned abroad the day after, I am, in some sense, grateful that I got to be there.
January 31st, 2008 at 8:14
I came upon this site by google-ing “why am I afraid of dying” and was very surprised and relieved that others had the same feelings and thoughts about dying as I did.
I am 34 now and for as long as I can remember I have had a fear of dying. Dying and leaving this earth, leaving my body, leaving my kid behind and all my memories gone and as I sit here writing this I am at the verge of tears from of all these feelings.
The fourth paragraph in the very first story pretty much sums it up for me. I don’t know if it is the fact that I don’t know where we go after dying or what but I ponder the different answers quite often and I have even shared these feelings with family members but it just doesn’t seem to matter the fear is always there in the back of my mind. I suppress it a lot but it always comes back. Sometimes it’s worse than others.
I just recently awoke in the middle of the night with the thought of dying on my mind immediately after waking and my body was literally shaking at the thought and I could not sleep the rest of the night for thinking of this.
I have considered getting help but I just don’t think that anything will ever get me over the fear of me taking my last breath or of me seeing my kids for the last time or forgetting all of the memories that has taken me 34 years to accumulate and that is just to name a few. But I am hopeful that in time I will come to terms with all of this because I know that one day I definitely will die.
January 31st, 2008 at 10:33
Crystal,
Thank you for commenting! There are times when it feels way to scary, like you mention with waking up, and it feels way too vivid. But luckily, for most of us, those moments pass away. At lest for the time being.
February 7th, 2008 at 12:16
Ive been suffering from Panic Attacks for the last year now which makes me feel like im having a heart attack. I was obsessed with the thought that i would drop dead any minute, after blood tests and scans (just to prove theres nothing wrong) i came through the anxiety of the attacks but what ive been left with is an awareness that i will die. Ive been thinking alot about when will it be? how will it happen? what can i do to prolong my life, whats out there after life? what if i dont want to die? i think ihave come to my own conclusions, In my 20s and before i was conditioning my mind, the thought of dying never crossed my mind i think this is because you are learning and taking things in more so theres no time to be thinking of death. However as time goes by and you are getting older you realise dying more you’ve lived one life time i believe there is 3 in life, birth to 30 30 to 60, 60 to 80, i think the fear of dying comes from the fact we have been conditioned in life to control ourselves therefore we want to control our destiny and as death seems to be a fearful part of life we want to control that aswell. If death is to be feared surly i should be scared from the moment i was born, where was i before birth? Without death there would be no life we would strive to nothing theres something worse than death and thats the thought of living forever we would eventually have no feelings no desires we would go insane. If there is heaven i believe i will go there, if there is reincarnation i will be reborn, if there is nothing I have nothing to fear.
February 7th, 2008 at 16:13
Neil,
Thanks for writing!
I think it’s common for most people to feel lesser afraid about death as they grow older, while others feel that they get more and more to live for. From my experience, old people seem to, in general, have come to terms with dying after having lived a full life.
And yes, even how hard it is to accept it, knowing about death is indeed a reason to make the most out of life.
February 8th, 2008 at 15:30
I am a 60 yr old woman and can say that I have been scared of dying since I was 6. My mother, mistakenly lied about her age and subtracted 10 yrs and when I found out she was 39 not 29…evidently I was inconsolable…and thought she was about to die. I wish I had been able to believe in an after-life but I feel that science has explained things too well by evolution. It doesn’t help the existential panic I feel every night.
February 11th, 2008 at 10:44
Angela,
Thanks for sharing. I can understand how terrible that must’ve felt for you. And yes, maybe science has explained a little too much, in the sense that it has diminished some of the hope and dreams we perhaps otherwise would’ve had.
March 17th, 2008 at 12:32
I had an awful dream…got up, came to the computer, googled what that dream was about and now I am here. In a way, its nice that I’m not the only one. But then, what we all really want and can’t have is that answer. And we don’t even want “the” answer… we want a specific answer. Something like:
You will never die.
There truly is a God who loves you and a heaven to exist in.
You will never lose consciousness of who you are and how your life went.
You will never be alone.
I wish I could lose this feeling of self-importance. I think we’re all feeling that inner conflict by right of vanity… that we should never have to do what we truly don’t want to. That our life, my life, should never have to be terminated. We spend our whole lives pushing toward goal after goal, when the end result of all of us will just be the same. I used to have “faith,” but upon losing that I find myself here. Religion offers a way for people to never feel the need to come to terms with their own mortality. I wish I had that.
Regardless, maybe the answer in finding peace with death is to remove that element of vanity from yourself. Vanity being the true source of fear rather than death. After all… regardless of the fact that none of us understands what death is, we all certainly know how to do it. No one had to teach us how to die or how to come to life. Something beyond our conscious minds knew and still knows. It seems unfair that our subconscious refuses to communicate its wisdom, but its in each of us all the same.
March 17th, 2008 at 14:17
Melissa,
Thanks for sharing!
I’m sure that vanity is definitely one of the pieces of the puzzle. To me, the biggest challenge is finding hope and motivation to carry on what we’re doing. To avoid getting that feeling that whatever we do, it’s useless, since we’re going to die, one day or another.
Maybe one thing to strive for is how to enjoying the now, or how we affect the lives of people around us in a good way.
March 17th, 2008 at 19:08
I feel dissuaded sometimes as well. I guess I gave up on the idea of being a legacy long ago, though. Even Achilles will die someday… it is certain that life on Earth is finite. But, ask your child or loved one if it matters whether you care for them or not… they will respond with absolute certainty that it does. The fact of the matter is, death is not the only absolute truth in existence. Those absolute truths… you love your child or your family, or a friend… they DO matter. Absolutely. Don’t let one absolute truth take away the beauty from another.
March 18th, 2008 at 8:56
Melissa,
Very well said!
March 21st, 2008 at 6:13
Hello, I feel i am much like you sir i fear the unkown the possiblity of nothiness is there a higher being that did this a energy of sorts. My fear has progressed more and more this year i can’t seem to understand all this. why am i here i’m scared. I don’t want to leave i like it here sometimes. What advice do you have for me if any. I grew up catholic but my faith has faltered due to indecrepencie in the book criminals in the church. What is hidin from us i feel something is being hidden a truth about life and death. Im in dire straights to figure it all out why was i born in 1975 where was i before this was i anywhere. Why now? these are just some thoughts ive been wanting to share. Thanks Thomas
March 25th, 2008 at 11:43
Thomas,
Thanks for sharing. It is very hard to give advice in general, but I would say that try to make the most out of the precious time you have gotten here on earth, stay close to your loved ones and try not to waste your life on useless things.
March 28th, 2008 at 7:38
Hi Robert, thank you very much for voicing your fears and for all the beautiful responses it has generated. I woke up 2 hours ago much like I have been doing for the past year or so. I don’t wake up screaming or in cold sweats, but believe me, the panic and terror that goes through me is just overwhelming.
Much like you, I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful and loving wife, and a precious, wonderful son who brings the sunshine into my world.
I didn’t always think about death and dying, and I remember all to well the very first time it came to invade my mind. I made the mistake of imagining what it must feel like to have your life slipping away from you, out of your body. Evaporating away and gone forever.
When I first started feeling this way, the fear didn’t leave me whether I was at work or at home, day or night. I remember sitting in a meeting with 30 people at the time and looking at each person in the room, thinking “you’re going to die one day, and you’re gonna die one day, and so are you, and you and you … “.
I feel ashamed and afraid to talk to other people about feeling this way, and I think it makes things worse. I find that spending time with friends helps alot, and that leads me to believe it must be some form of depression I go through.
I’ve tried going to church, but I found the messages were being forced onto me and it turned me off. I’ve tried professional help, but find that they try to rationalize my fears and tell me I’m wasting my time worrying. Believe me, if I could control whether or not I worry about it, I wouldn’t.
Here’s something that did help me. I imagined I was given a watch and could stop time where I wanted to live forever. There are many many wonderful times in my life, thanks to my wonderful wife and son, but then freezing time would mean he would never grow up, never experience teenage years, high school friendships, he would never graduate from university and never experience love in a relationship. It would mean he would never even have the chance to be a father because I stopped time. I could never rob him of those things, and I do look forward to watching him grow up, so I never use the watch.
Another thing I’ve imagined is that I were immortal, but then that would mean I would live on and watch my family die around me, and their families and so on. That would be more horrible than dying. I look at my wife and my friends and feel comfort in knowing that life is something we’re all going through together, and that always feels good.
I ask myself ‘where was I before I was born?’ and that’s where I’ll be after I die. Could I have been created from nothing? Maybe. Will I be destroyed? I don’t think so. I believe there is another existence we go to or we can go to after this one. I don’t know what that is, or how to get there, but I do believe and accept it without any proof, and in my books, that’s what’s defined as FAITH.
I hope my words aren’t too disjointed, as I’m tired and it’s very late here. I just hope I can share my experiences and thoughts with others who may not be coping as well.
March 31st, 2008 at 8:58
Stephen,
Thanks for your comment!
I loved the idea of the watch and that you would never use it, since, no matter how great and beautiful a moment is, change, progress and evolving is what drives our existence.
There is something beautiful about growing old together and share all the ups and downs of life. I think your conclusions are very close to mine: enjoy life while it lasts, as much as you can.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:58
Hello Robert, I too can’t tell you enough how insightful this site is to me. I had no idea so many people felt the same way I do about death untill I discovered this site. I have been reading on this site for some time now and I too feel that it helps some to talk about it, but the fear,(for me anyway),never seems to go away nor do I believe it ever will. I can only imagine,(and I have), how terrified I will feel when my time comes to go. I am only 32, and this life has been anything but kind to me, but I still am soo afraid to die that it takes my breathe away. I believe that every creature on this earth is afraid to die, you can see it in them when they are faced with it. They know and are afraid as well. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I wish I knew why I think about it so much when it doesn’t seem to bother most others.(or at least I think it doesn’t).well, thanks again. Nathan
April 14th, 2008 at 10:31
Nathan,
Thanks for reading and sharing! I think that you’re right that, for some at least, the fear never really goes away. But in that case, I think it’s a matter of learning to live with it, suppressing it a bit and trying to focus on other things.
Easier said than done, trust me, I know.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:06
Hi there
Wow this is exactly what I have been looking for. Others that share the same thoughts and feelings and going through a similar experience as I am.
I too have a huge fear of dying and also of disasters and of losing what I have and losing my loved ones…or them losing me…. this week I have been so overcome by the fear that it consumes my mind and no matter how hard I try to focus on the now, or the good things in my life… I can’t seem to snap out of it. I too also believe that perhaps there will be a next life for our souls or that we will be reincarnated…or there is a better place after this life… and in some way it brings me comfort to believe that there could be. Sometimes I don’t even think about it and can easily focus on the moment and sometimes it takes over. It comes in waves. I know I need to learn to enjoy everyday as it comes and I hope that as I get older I will become more humbled and content about lifes process.
Thank you to everyone for sharing your comments and advise. It really helps.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:25
Sally,
Thank you for sharing as well!
June 1st, 2008 at 22:41
Hello everyone…….I was raised in a very legalistic church environment growing up and I have trouble thinking I will ever be good enough for god’s love or anyone else’s love for that matter. I think about my mortality and my sons all of the time and it is suffocating. I have been to counseling and it works temporarily(til I walk out of the office:) Death and Dying are on my mind continuously during the day……it is starting to affect me physically……..any advice?
June 2nd, 2008 at 19:30
Judi,
Thanks for writing.
It’s very hard to tell people how to behave, but I guess my advice is to try and focus on positive things; even though it might be hard for you, but I think it’s the best for your sons, who will be greatly affected by your mood.
Meaning, children usually get more affected by one’s mood than one might think.
June 13th, 2008 at 11:14
Im horribly afraid of whats gonna happen to me after i die. Not too worried of how im going to die i just can not fathom it being like it was before i was born=nothingness. That is the scariest thing ever to think about. Ever since i was young my family who r catholic have been telling me there is a god and when u die u go to heaven and they r SO sure of this. As i got older i started to question how exactly they knew this. Like other people on this site my family uses the bible as their guide, but dont u think its just what other people have written to scare people in to being good? I mean some of the stories in the bible, if someone nowadays would say they talked to a burning bush the same catholics or whatever religeon would look at him like he was crazy. And another thing i have never gotten is if there is a heaven why do all these religeos people mourn death instead of celebrate it. i mean come on their headed to everlasting bliss. i know ive kinda blabbered on and went off track but bottom line is im scared shitless cause after being catholic my whole life i really dont have faith and i think after we die its just nothingness and THATS what im terrified of.
June 13th, 2008 at 11:39
Billy,
It’s a very difficult thought to face, that there would be nothing after our life. I guess religious people lean on their belief, while others just have to dream and hope.
Either way, I think we owe it to ourselves to try and make the best of our time here, and just hope that there will be something more.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:45
Dear All
It’s interesting how humanity is slowly replacing it’s belief in a God with a belief in science. Generations before us did not have this fear of death, they held on tight to their strong belief systems.
We are blessed with more evidence of an afterlife than they could have ever hoped for. There are countless documented cases where mediums provide vital information that leads to the discovery of a deceased/missing person.
With break through technology in science we are often bringing people back to life once they have been declared clinically dead, and thousands of these people come back with amazing stories of seeing loved ones that have passed away and feelings of pure peace and happiness.
The case of Pam Reynolds is still the most profound case and one that confuses even the skeptics, please see article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pam_Reynolds%27_NDE
There are documented cases of children that can remember passed lives, and most of you will at least know someone that believes they have seen a ghost.
Most people will also be familiar with the term “white noise”.
In my opinion there is enough circumstantial evidence pointing toward the existence of an afterlife to convince a jury.
My brother passed away from Luekemia a few years ago, and in his last moments told my mom that there were other people in the room waiting for him..
All my love and happiness to all of you in your search for meaning.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:00
Wow Robert, I can’t believe that your initial thoughts regarding death have generated so many responses and have lasted for over 2 years. I found your blog after entering “how do I overcome the fear of dying” into a search engine. I remember as a child of about 7 years lying in my bed and literally shaking with fear at the thought of dying. And that fear has never left me although I try to ignore it these days if it comes to my mind. I don’t believe in any religion or god, and I think I envy those that do because it gives them something to cling on to. I suppose my fear came about because my mum died when I was 18 months old and nobody ever spoke to me about her during my childhood, it was as though she never existed. It affected me so much I wouldn’t have children of my own in case I died and left them with the same unhappy childhood that I went through.
If you do find a way of overcoming this fear, please share it with me
August 18th, 2008 at 21:56
Alex,
Thanks for sharing!
Gwyneth,
Thanks for writing!
I think my only humble advice would be to live and make the most out of what we have while we’re here.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:21
I was really pleased to find this site. I am going through my latest bout of panic about this whole issue. I’m not religious and so when people try and comfort me with christianity, it does nothing for me. I have looked into it and in fact used to be a strong evangelical christian as a child, but I have since found no logic in it for me. I believe, as many here, that our thoughts and experiences are powered by our brains, and that when the brain stops working, so do out thoughts/mind etc. This is even more real for me since my nana got dementia and can barely remember any of us – it is as though she is no longer with us, but is someone else entirely. She is a very anxious person and at 90 is terrified of dying still which makes me nervous that I will continue to have this fear.
It consumes me for months when it is triggered and makes me feel detached from everyone. I look around and think ‘why are you worrying about that, you’re going to die!’ – the worst thing is I think I will find purpose finally if I fall in love, something that as I get closer to 30, I’m scared will never happen. but then I think to myself, I can’t have children, because I will be inflicting death on them. I think we are all just animals really and our aims in life are all artificial, our sense of self an illusion. I find no comfort from my parents as they have always regretted having me, so I find it very hard to feel good in myself anyways, but my dad is also very depressed and talks about killing himself before some illness can. I used to think of doing the same but now I’m so scared of dying it would defeat the point! But I do understand people who do it. Unlike most of the population who think it’s selfish, I tihnk it’s probably quite understandable. It is tragic, don’t get me wrong, but I guess people want to try and control their death.
My biggest fear is not dying so much, but dying young and in a painful way. I panic all the time about being mudered. This time my fear was triggered by news of the couple in Antigua and I don’t understand how poeple can just say oh yes it’s tragic and carry on. I thought about it in detail, obsessive detail probably. I think oh god did they suffer, how did they feel, I have visions in my head of how it happened, what they went through, try and put myself in their shoes. Why shouldn’t it have been me or one of my friends? none of us are immune. I know you have to keep things in perspective but I am so scared I will be the next one.. and that makes me think there’s no point planning for a future I might not have.
I know ‘you can’t think like that’, at least not if you want to be happy, but I find it hard to think otherwise. I am so frightened of travelling in cars these days, I’ve stopped driving completely.
I keep looking at people planning families and thinking ‘you’re succumbing to the game’ – we think we’re above animal behaviour but we keep reproducing. Why do we do that? why o people want to inflict this world on more people? I want to find a good reason, really, as I would like to be a mother one day.
It’s been really good to read other peoples’ thoughts on this. My friends were laughing about someone they know the other day who has a severe phobia of illness – they had no sense of the pain she must experience from that, no empathy. I totally understood how that woman must feel. The panic that overcomes you when these thoughts creep in.. the majority of people seem to be able to switch it off but it seems from this site that many cant’, like me, and although I wouldn’t wish these thoughts on anyone, it’s a relief to know I’m not abnormal.
Some may say I’m just depressed and maybe I am, but no amount of professional help is going to change the facts – and drugs just stop my thoughts from working and feel artificial. I honestly believe that a lot of mental health problems (I’m referring to the mild forms eg anxiety, depression) and not ‘abnormal’ but normal responses to the world and issues of life and death. Those who are quick to judge and try and fix it are, in my opinion, often motivated by fear themselves – that if they don’t stop the negative thoughts of depressed people, then they too will have to face reality. This may be a bleak view, and I’m really sorry that I am breaking the norm and offering this view, but it is what I believe, right now at least.
I just wanted to share these thoughts as I’ve spent hours reading through the above and found it very therapeutic and comforting.
For the record, my belief in life after death is this: I don’t think we continue as ourselves after death, but I do believe the energy from our bodies and physical matter continues through the cycle of life, albeit without our consciousness. I think there is a greater spiritual power which is what I would interpret as a kind of ‘god’ – I know when I sit and meditate, or when I go to the beach or a park, i feel at ease and connected and I do feel something ‘calling’ me so to speak, that empowers me. I found ‘The Celestine Prophecy’ a very comforting book. I think this ‘energy’ can be tapped in to by anyone and is what helps us to see things more positively, listen to our intuition. I know I feel an urge to go somewhere in nature when my thoughts consume me. Writing helps me too. I find our ability to put our thoughts into words and our capacity for thinking so incredible – that is the one thing I can’t understand – why we don’t have the brains of a normal animal.. and one thing no one will ever probably know.
Anyway I’m rambled on enough. I hope I haven’t depressed any one too much with my thoughts.
Thanks for reading
L
August 20th, 2008 at 12:30
I forgot to mention that my main thought of dying besides the pain and how it happens, is what happens afterwards. I know technically I won’t know but I worry about how my body will look, where it will be, how they’ll get it home, whether my family and friends will have trauma, who will have to do my laundry and find my morbid diaries etc! argg
I also forgot to say that I’m also relieved to see other people type morbid things into google too. I thought I was alone in this
L
August 20th, 2008 at 21:27
Louise,
Thank you very much for taking the time to share, and to offer us your thoughts! Personally, I’m very happy if this blog post and its comments in any way can offer some some comfort, or at least the notion of not being alone with these fears.
I also think that our bodies, presence and energy will continue to exist in some way, but the part that gets to me is about losing consciousness, of actually ceasing to exist mind-wise, and I think that is all we have.
On the other hand, I refuse to cave in to my fears, to just worry and to waste our short time being aware of dreading the day when we’re not. It might seem stupid or silly since, from what we (think) we know, it will come to an end for all of us, but at the same time, living and cherishing those wonderful moments that can exist is giving meaning to it all.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:52
Live long beautiful lives.
And when you get older you’ll get wiser.. And things’ll start to come to you. A sense of understanding for the world. An understanding.. Meaning not answers, but re-assurance and calmness. Like the answers were whispered to your soul, but not your mind.
Think about it.. If there was no mystery,
there’d be no beauty. Mystery is what we thrive for.
There is alot of proof of life after death.
I hear alot of this scientist belief.. Okay, so where is the end of the world?
Has a scientist ever been able to find it? No.
Certain things God doesn’t explain to man. Nor want man to find.
Look at how beautiful the world is. How many countries.. Ethnicities.. Ect, ect.
Who do YOU think created it?
You say the big bang? Okay. So what caused the big bang?
There was magic going into this world, there’ll be magic leaving it.
Everyone live like your living forever. Let go and let God. Stop worrying. I have keen senses. I know these things.
Have a spiritual awakening.
Life is like a gameboy. We keep going to next levels.
Every level is a journey and you must keep alot of pictures in your passport for the next one.
Peace, love, and prosperity my people.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:38
Madyson,
Thanks for sharing! I agree that we need mystery to have beauty, and that we will probably never be able to understand nor explain what’s happening around us.
September 1st, 2008 at 16:55
I accidentally found this thread through a (rather odd) google search. And having read through most of the posts on here, I wanted to thank each & every one for sharing their thoughts. My thoughts & feelings are below, so I will apologise in advance for the rambling.
Mostly, I took some comfort from knowing that many others share the same fears, hopes, logic, and doubts that I have been struggling with for a couple of years now.
Underlying this thread is an intimidating question that has been pondered for as long as mankind has scratched together a thought. The weight of time & brilliant minds has failed to break it’s back, a simple fact that often makes me feel more hopeless… how on earth will I ever find an answer if others far more deserving & more brilliant have failed to do so?
My fear engulfs me when my thoughts wander into it’s muddy domain – when I think of time passing too quickly, when I see sick friends, or during the prolonged illness & death of my father. Like many on this thread, I love life so deeply that I don’t want to let go. I love this life & I want no other.
The futility of life corrupts me. That everything we do, know, think, love, hate, savour, accomplish, fail… everything that is all of us becomes nothing. Is it really true? Does everything we do amount to naught?
Religion. I was raised Catholic & it’s a presence in my life. But it fails me just as much as I have failed it. Prayers are met with a deafening silence. As for any religion… they provide ideas but no answers. They fail to nourish a hungry mind – they provide platitudes but no proof. They ask that you have faith in a God who talks to them but not to you – so really your faith is misplaced in man-made writings/temples/prayers but you never actually see or hear your God. You see, I want to believe in God, but he gave me a mind which finds it hard to believe.
Anyway, this post has gone on too long… but before I leave, some ideas that bounce around in my head;
- there must be some design behind all of this. there just has to be. why else would any of it exist, even the smallest little granule in a dark, quiet corner of the universe? i don’t know WHY, but it just makes sense, right?
- the greatest and the brightest have often betrayed their fears in their writings/works. case in point – hamlet’s soliliquoy, dylan thomas’ poetry. when you look, you find many examples.
- what did Jesus mean when he said “the rest is silence”? was he giving something away… did he have a change of heart at the last minute?
thanks for letting me share. any thoughts & feedback would be welcome.
September 1st, 2008 at 19:51
Fadi,
Thank you for writing! I completely agree with basically everything you say. What gets me as well is that existence is such an amazing, something so splendid and extremely though-out that it can’t be coincidental, it just can’t.
But I think that you’re right that our search for an answer or even a hint of explanation probably is futile, and all we can do is wonder and fear it. Therefore, while I really appreciate discussing these thoughts, it’s vital that, at the same time, people make the most out of life.
September 3rd, 2008 at 18:01
Hallo from the UK. I came upon this site because I am currently undergoing Cognitive Behavioural therapy in part to deal with my intense fear of dying. I have been asked to try to create the fear and to keep creating it so that in some ways I can get used to it.
Like most who have written I experience it at night and the depth an intensity is in direct proportion to the love I have particularly for my wife and for my family. When I am laying next to her I can think of dying very quickly. It is the sheer nothingness which is being discussed that shakes me to my core. I, as I write this, am becoming overwhelmed by the sadness, emptiness and sheer blackness of what will some day happen to me. I shout out when I get too deep into my fears and my wife asks me whats wrong and I don’t tell her.
I believe that part of my fear is that fact that I truly experience love and that I have always cautioned myself about feeling too deeply and without knowing have gradually fallen more and more deeply in love which makes the fact of leaving terrifying.
It is my intention to carry through with the CBT. My first “homework” is to generate these thoughts outside of the dark and I have taken the comments of others before me to create a script which will I hope generate the feelings because currently it is only really when I am in bed and night that the depth and body ripping experiences occur.
I am so so grateful to all who have taken to the time to expres themselves.
September 3rd, 2008 at 20:50
Peter,
Thank you very very much for sharing! CBT sounds interesting in that sense that you might get used to it, but perhaps even more importantly, being used to it will maybe appear less important, hence less fear.
The only thing I wondered is if your wife is aware of your fears. My humble suggestion is that you should really share this with someone you love.
September 12th, 2008 at 17:10
I goggled across your site and may comforted that many people feel the fears. But what are we to do with these fears? How do we overcome them?
September 12th, 2008 at 20:12
Angelg,
I think it’s up to each and everyone to try and handle it the way that makes them feel best. Some need to constantly think about them to make them feel less important, some people need to focus on the good things in their lives, while some (actually) feel better by just suppressing the fears.
However, my personal belief is that it’s a good thing for most people to talk about it, either in forums (online or in real life) or with your loved ones.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:43
I am amazed how often I think of death. It can come through the smallest incident and in no time at all I am thinking not only about my own mortality but that of my parents or wife. My strongest fears come when I am most in “love.” that is when I have a depth of emotion towards my wife and family. That seems to perhaps make me vulnerable and as such open to allow such thoughts to penetrate down to my very self. This shows me I believe that one of my biggest fears is the fear of loss. losing that sense of love. I am someone who does not give of emotion easily. So it is the sense of loss, the actual time just before I die knowing that it will all end and the final fear which is the sense of it all ending there being nothing more blacki nothingness. I find myself interestignly, however, very occasionally thinking well if i am to go I would like to go now. I am in a great place the sun is on my face – i am ready.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:25
peter,
Thanks for writing!
And absolutely, it seems like the more we have to lose, the more terrifying it gets. On the other hand, if you’re currently so happy that you’re ready to go, I’m happy that you’re so content with your current life.
September 26th, 2008 at 19:51
I believe it’s in The Big Book of A.A. This comment is of course relative to alcoholics however I think it is also relative to fear of dying..and that is: Think of a doughnut. The doughnut is the ego. Remove the doughnut and all that is left is the hole. Oh my God! I think that overcoming the ego is the problem. What will we be if we lose it..nothing? Forget it. Come into the world and go out of the world..the world won’t even burp.
September 27th, 2008 at 7:33
This post made me want to be your friend. I could really relate to the way you spoke here.
I found this because I pasted into google’s search window the words to a song I’d just started writing (sometimes Word shuts down and I lose everything when I try to save, so I copy and paste whatever it is I’m working on into pretty much anything else that’s readily available for safety’s sake. I just pressed “search” out of curiosity of what would come up, I guess. This post is strangely topical considering what I googled):
God bless what’s left of your life
May it be long
If you want it to be
May you never find yourself
In such a state
Afraid of living
Afraid of dying
‘Cause everyone’s either dead or they’re dying
And if you’re not laughing about it you’re crying
God bless it, your life, whatever it is
On a train
Of all means of travel
And the whole way home
I could feel myself…just…unravel
I had everything I needed
And everything that meant nothing to me
In my suitcase
And through the window I could see…home
Well the weather had changed
Since I’d last been here
The season showed in the trees
And the air was cold and clear
And I could smell and hear and see
The only reason I had to be
Anywhere at all
I was home
None of it makes any difference, really, but I’ve had the thought that since time is really irrelevant, we never really die. What I mean is, right now, you’re alive. Right now, ALL THIS (our lives) is going on. The fact that it’s going on RIGHT NOW means essentially nothing–our lives could just as easily have happened a billion years ago or they could have happened a billion years from now. So, in a way, this particular time when we’re alive is always happening because it could’ve happened at any time, it just happens to be right now.
Wow, I had no idea that concept would be so difficult to convey, or sound so stupid. It makes sense in my head, anyway. It doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re going to die or anything, but it’s just one way to look at things.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:24
ken,
Well, personally, I wouldn’t completely agree. Sure, to a certain point it’s about ego, but I also guess it’s about not accepting a fate we can’t control, both for ourselves and for others.
Nick,
You’re welcome to be my friend.
Interesting aspect about time, I never really thought about that. I mean, I do think about time, and that as time goes on our lives inevitably go on as well, but never pondered when our time is taking place in the bigger scheme of things,
October 15th, 2008 at 1:53
I’m glad you wrote this post, and in reading through the feedback I really appreciated the respectful attitude you showed all of your commenters.
I can truly relate to what you wrote. Fear (or dread, or terror — there really is no adequate word to convey the emotional severity of it) of death consumes me. It has on and off since I was 7. But it is now worse than ever. (I turned 29 about 6 weeks ago.) It is with me every minute of every day, hijacking each and every one of my toughts, sapping whatever happiness I’m on the verge of mustering, destroying any sense of drive and ambition in my life.
I have found that, for me, joy and a love of life are impossible with the reality of eternal nothingness hanging over me — and the broader reality that the universe is an accident, that conscious life is even more of an accident, and that both will almost certainly be wiped out some day. There is no point to any of this. It terrifies me. Terrifies me. I have panic attacks late at night when I let my mind fixate on the implications of this, bolt from my bed shouting, and turn every light I can find on. The relief is hauntingly temporary.
What I have never understood are the people who, like me, lack faith in an afterlife who claim to be fine with it — who use words like “peaceful” and “beautiful” to describe eternal nothingness. Or the ones who say something like: ‘There’s no reason to fear death — you won’t feel anything.”
But that is EXACTLY what terrifies me — the idea that I will never feel anything, never know anyone, every again. For all eternity. People say it’s no different than the billions of years before our births, but there is one key difference: Our ‘nothingness’ before birth was NOT permanent. It ended, and our concious existence was the result. The nothingness that awaits after death IS permanent. There will be no end to it. Ever. I take no comfort in the idea that, in death, I’ll simply return to where I was before I was born.
I have heard religion criticized (among many other reasons) for filling people’s minds with visions of hell and eternal torment. Many atheists take comfort that their “afterlife” involves none of this. Not me. The idea of eternal nothingness IS my idea of hell. I can imagine no lonelier, more awful concept than it.
I want so badly to believe in some kind of afterlife, some continuation of conscience. But I am a battered and beaten man. Science, reason and logic have an answer for ever glimmer of hope I’ve ever been able to find. I have nothing left. I am shattered.
Before these past few months, I had many periods of happiness in my life, times when I managed to suppress thoughts of death and to convince myself that it was so far off that it wasn’t worth thinking about. No longer. Maybe I’ll live a long life and 29 will someday seem young, but I have seen how quickly time moves. Death — a dark, loney, empty, terrifying eternity — is near. This is too much for me. I can’t enjoy anything in life. I try to go out with friends, to watch TV, to read a book, to see a movie — but the utter reality of eternal nothingness grips my mind. I am defeated. I have no hope.
I’m sorry for the depressing tone of this, if you (or anyone) read it. But this is all that runs through my mind all day, every day, and I don’t want to burden anyone around me with it (anymore than I already have). I would give anything and do anything to have some real, meaningful hope that death is not what logic and reason tell me it is. I sometimes wish I’d never been born. And the thought of bringing a child into this world — absolutely not. I don’t want anyone to have to deal with what I am dealing with.
I am not religious but I believe in hell. And it is the fate we are all sentenced to after our lives here, no matter how we live them. I am absolutely terrified.
October 15th, 2008 at 16:41
Steve,
Thank you very much for sharing!
I couldn’t agree more. Personally, I just struggle to compress that thought, but now and then it surfaces. What I try to do, though, is telling myself I have a choice: either be afraid of dying my entire life, or live life and just push away the inevitable (since I can’t control nor affect it in any way).
To me, at least, most of the time it helps.
October 23rd, 2008 at 15:45
Steve,
Thanks for writing such a clear exposition of how I feel. Luckily I don’t get these feelings with the regularity that you get them but certainly the intensity! It is so debilitating to get these thoughts. I have however tried very slowly to face them. I breathe more slwoly and try to hold on to the fear rather than turn away.
I find it so so difficult. My other fear is not being able to discuss it with anyone as I don’t want to “infect” them. So I keep coming back to this thread of conversation read and re read the thoughts of others to try and gradually diminish the potency of the thoughts.
Please write back
Pete
October 23rd, 2008 at 16:12
Peter,
Thanks for sharing!
In this forum, feel completely free to express whatever you feel – you’re amongst peers here, so we are already “infected”.
October 29th, 2008 at 1:33
I am 37 and have always had anxiety about death but the past year it has gotten more severe off and on. It causes me to suffer from bouts of hypochondria. I also have hypochondria concerning my loved ones. Every symptom anyone has, I fear is due to a terminal illness, particularly cancer. I too have noticed that my anxiety is more severe when the weather cools off.
I have read books, articles, watched t.v programs and televangelists searching for some relief from my fears.
If only I knew that conciousness didn’t end with this life I could move on and just live. One thing that has brought me some relief from time to time is reading/hearing stories of spiritual experiences by those who are dying. Some of these stories are quite inspiring.
Another thought that sometimes brings me a little relief is that so many people have went before us. There are so many awesome people who have already taken on the great unkown. I don’t know why that would bring any comfort but for some reason it does a little.
My husband is confident that there is an afterlife. His mom passed away from cancer and he was with her when she died. He says that while it was a mentally exhausting experience it was also very spiritual for him. He is always telling me that if I could find faith in the overall scheme of things I would find peace. He also believes in God though not the typical Christian verson of God.
Anyway, it’s somewhat comforting to find others who are going through the same thing I am. x
October 29th, 2008 at 10:16
Cat,
Thank you for writing!
I agree, if there were some guarantee about consciousness, I think a lot more people could relax – it’s too bad that, most likely, we will never have something like that.
I’m happy to hear that your husband supports you and, from what I understand, understands what you’re going through and how you feel.
And as long as you cn get some comfort by visiting here, you’re more than welcome!
October 31st, 2008 at 15:21
hi my name is frank im 17 years old and live in bckeye az
i want to comment on this subject because i am not your average !7 yo you know the one. who gose around vandleizing stuf and causeing trouble no im am not anyof thise things. i am frank the one who has always beleaved in trying to do the right thing not because of god or because im trying to impress anyone because i beleave in helping others becasue it makes you feel good in side and knowing that you have made a small diffrence in another persons life. i treat others the way i woul like to be treated and i am sencire and dont lie at all. here is my story
on october 24th 445 am i was in the bath and listening to music i herd a song on the radio about love and romeo and juliet i had got to thinking about the person i love her name is melissa and i am in love with her she is my best friend and dosent know it we have know eachother for 3years and she and i would make a great couple but she is with my other best friend adam. then after thinking about her i got to think about romeo and juliet and how they died for there love and i told myself that if i died i wouldnt be happy with the life i live and i got to deep into thinking about death that i starte crying and thinking that theres nothing after this and i had such a horribel fear it is undiscrible. i quickly got out of the bath and layd down to try in sleep but it came back the same feeling and i cryd once more and cryed. and remember im not a person who belaves in god. but my fear was so stronge that i cryd and felt hopless so i layd the with nothing and feeling empty so i began to pray “god” i said “please help me i want to beleave in you i want to beleave that there is a heaven that we dont just die” i sat there pondering for a min and then i finished my prayer “god please show me a sign that your there anything anything at all”.
december 13 2006 324 am one of the more colder times of the year a few friends a decided to hang and drink beside a bong fire. it was around 1am when we began drinking and still frezzeing our asses off it was me abran my best friend who i could go to for anything and he had my back. but unfortenitly this night wasnt one of them. as i said we were drinking and it was a few of us it was late and we were all just out of it and one of our mutal friends nene a 12yo boy who hung with us quite offten decides he wants to go home but he makes the decition to stay at abrans house who lived about ten houses down. he asked abran walk me to your house abran sayts no and he asked me i said fine hes wasted and in wasted we begen to head towrds the back gate i thought to myself ill stay till he falls asleep and ill go back> we arrive and open the garage door where theres a bed and a tv where we chilled offten. i lay hm down and he begens to talk go to sleep i said he says well im not tierd i knowing that he is say ok well just try to sleep off the alcohol i say hurry up and go to sleep so i can go back a big mistake. he says your not staying i say no im just going to stay till you fall asleep he says no im not going to sleep cause your gonna leave me here and me the genius !5yo that i was say fine ill sleep to thinking to myself he will sleep if i say i will but that wasent my plan it was to let hm sleep and me go back. but oh how that back fired i lay there thinking when is he going to sleep then i hear a faint voice say hey you up i say yes go to sleep he says no i cant i say go to sleep he wispers imh morny and i say waht go to sleep dude. but thinking to myself that hes crazy im 15 and hes 12 he turns my way and touches me. i dont refuse him i let him and i let hm carry on. it got further and hore intense then out of nowhere the garage door begens to open and my heart begens to race fast as it gets higher i pull up my pants as quickly as i can and try to make myself look asleep. abran and two others walk in and look at me and yell whats taking so long me with my pants half off trying to look like im sleeping say im waiting till he gose to sleep. they were sespicious and abran pulls the blanket off and he thinks the worst he thinks that i raped him\. he takes a step back and yells get out leave right now> i say alright man chill let me tell you what happend he yells it again get out i dont care leave. as i pull up my pants the rest of the way. one of the othe kids say lets fuck him up and i say man fuck you im leaving and the kid says it again lets fuck im up i look at abran he closes his fist and as i begen to turn to walk out the kid who had said it punches me in the face and i shove him out of my way and he comes back and hits me in the baack of the head and as i begin to turn to fight back all three rushed towrds me and start jumping me and they throw me to the ground and begin to stomp on me. om on the ground telling them leave me alone and the keep going i grab one of there legs and drop one he falls and they help him up and i knew that that was my chance to try and get away i get up and run i turn around and say i thought you had my back i thought we were brothers to abran and the kid who said lets fuck him up runs behind me and hits me in the rib with a bike handle bar. i try to run and with my rib hurting and my mind out of it i go to a friends house and ask his dad for a ride and he asked what happen i say i cant tell you and he aske were you with aran when this happen to you i say hes the one who did this with 2others. and he asked again what happen i say i cant tell you he takes me home and i tell him thanks thanks you i will probibly never see you again and i say im sorry i cant tell you and he says can i trust you to tell your mom and i say i have to. i get to the dorr and my mom opens it i forgot to say that i had called her from my friends house. i tell her every thing and shes so disapointed in me and filled with rage. we couldnt go to the police because i feard for my life so we didnt go to the hospital either. the next day i wke up with a knot the size of a softball on my head and a busted lip. my my is up and she dosent even look at me i think not for that whole day. i tell my dad let me borrow the phone he give it to me and i gow down stairs i sit on the couche hurting and not knowing what i was going to do. i pick up the phone and dial abrans nuber i get int o a corner and put the phone against my ear it rings i dont know what im going to do but im a do it i said in my head he picks up i wait like7sec b4 i say anything i say abran its frank and he says what thefuck do you want i say let me tell you what happend he say man fuck you if you ever come around here you dead and i say so this is how you want to end it like that he says fuck you and hangs up.
october 25 2008 i get on myspace and look at my messages i have one new message its from a girl yesena one of my friends sister who i knew way back when me and abran were still friends i had messages her like 4 months before she replyed and told her if i could talk to her to get a few things off my chest i knew she knew abran and that night had haunted me till that very day i had nightmares where abran killed me and dreams when were friends again. she said in the message yeah sure i dont get on offten call me and i text her and told her what happend she didnt know anything about it then she text me later that night ad said hey miguel wants to talk to you he said he and abran feel bad about the whole thing and im scared and happy at the same time and she says he want to really talk to you and i say if thats what you think is best she says only if you want to and i say yeah give him my number. although migiel had nothing to do with it he abran and i were all really close we were like brothers. miggs texts me thats what i call him and he says hey whats up i say so you talked to your sister he says yeah. i say so you wanted to talk to me he says yeah man me and abran have ben lookingfor you for a long time. i say really he says yeah dude abran regrets what he did to you and he wants to call you to say sorry i tell him dude im crying right now cause i dont know how to feel about it. i told him that i felt like it could be a set up or it couldnt. i said dude i never wanted anything more then for he and i to talk and he gave me his nuber and said he want you to call him. i call it rings and i wait i say hi he says francisco i say abran he says so what up i say wel you tell me he says i dont know dude we have ben trying to reache you for a long as time isay nothing he sas i wanted to say im sorry for what i did. i stay quiet and i begin to say dude i dont know how to feel i lost i thought you hated me and never wanted to see me again he says naw dude i wanted to find you and im crying and trying to speak i mumble dude you have no idea what i went through and he says i know dude thats why i wanted to find you to say im sorry and i say no dude you dont need to. he says i want to and i say dude i know you do i eplaind to him how i felt and he listen this time and i told him what happend and he said sorry and i said im the one whos sorry and he said dude all i want for us is to be friends again and i say thats all i ever wanted. he says me and miggs would love for all of us to chill again like old time and i say i dont know if i can cause i still am having mixed feelings abbout this. i told him that i dont know if it could be a set up and he said me and miggs thought you might think that and he sadid thats why you pick the time and the place and i sadi no if you guys really want to be friends again then theres no need and then on cot 29 we hung out ant talked for the first time in almost 5 years. and just like that the biggest mistake and regret in my life just dissapers gone forever me and the only thing closes to a brother that i have are talking working things out. i have never wanted anything more then to have my friend back even though he did what he did knowing that he knows what he did was fucked up gives me closeure and insures me that we can work out our friendship.
i to was afraid of death and was not a beleaver of god and when i asked for a sing he gave me a miracle
October 31st, 2008 at 16:05
I KNOW I MADE A LOT OF SPELLING MISTAKES BUT IF YOU WANT I CAN REDO A REVISED VERSION? BUT WHAT I SAID ON THERE WAS 100% TRUE THIS REALLY HAPPEND TO ME AND I REALLY AM TALKING TO HIM NOW AND TRYING TO WORK THINGS OUT.
November 7th, 2008 at 17:49
November 27, 2006……….I posted that the day before my mother had fallen at the age of 98 years, was in excellent health, never had surgery, not even sick that I could remember.
My mother died on Christmas day 2006 as a result of a broken hip.
The issue I posted on was death. I submit that anyone who is afraid of death read the post of nearly two years ago.
email me with questions………ggallerygeorge@aol.com
November 10th, 2008 at 2:44
It is sort of comforting to know that I belong to this human race with all of these people that share my fears and thoughts. I generally go through life focused on goals in the future and am not usually conscious of death or dying. I’m 26 years old, and I haven’t lost anybody that I am close to yet, and that sort of scares me itself. I get the impression that most people while growing up would have lost at least a few people they were close to by the time they were my age. It’s really strange to think about that. I’m feeling pretty down right now though. I watched “A Walk to Remember” for the second time in my life. I saw it in the theater in 2002 and bought it on DVD when it came out, but hadn’t watched it a second time until just a few days ago. I remember thinking it was a really good movie, which is why I bought it, but when I watched it this time, it made me very sad and reflective. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen it or read the book, so I won’t discuss the plot or events. Generally speaking; however, love lost seems so much more painful than never loving, but I love the people in my life. It’s almost as if there is a price for loving somebody: that they will eventually be taken away from you. I fear that very much. I’ve felt like this twice before. Once was when I saw my grandfather after having not seen him for a long time. I noticed how much older he had gotten and how his mind was starting to go. It made me think of death. The time before that, was when my girlfriend had joined the Army Reserves and I worried so much that something bad was going to happen to her because of the war in Iraq. She ended up leaving the military and coming home, which I am thankful for, but I couldn’t understand how immobilized I was while she was away. The world was a completely different place. I could barely even eat or sleep. I could barely function at work. Each time, I felt this way, I thought more about God. I’ve never gone to church in my life, but the older I get, the more I think about attending. I don’t think that orthodoxy is for me, however. I like to believe that when we die, we get to choose what happens next. I wish to be reincarnated and come back to Earth to live another life and see the world through another set of eyes. I think even that we can come back in earlier times to relive the lives of people long gone. Now, I am feeling this immense sadness again, and I just want to get back to living. I stumbled upon this site and just wanted to share my feelings with other people. We are sharing this burden, and by doing so, it lightens the load for each of us. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you, so that you may find your path in the darkness.
November 10th, 2008 at 20:25
George Z,
Thanks for reminding us.
Brian,
Thanks for writing! No doubt it would be interesting to return to Earth and see things from another perspective, bur preferably with keeping one’s awareness and earned knowledge so far in existence.
November 11th, 2008 at 23:55
I don’t know if anyone else is afraid for these kind of reasons as well. I just always find it extremely unfair, how we try so hard to accomplish many things in life, and then one day, all those accomplishments would be gone; unable to enjoy or feel satisfied with your accomplishments. That’s basically the summary of why i fear of death. I guess similar to everyone else, we just do not want to part from our loved ones. However besides that, I just feel really disappointed, not being able to experience every single thing on the Earth, or to stay with the Earth until it cannot survive as a planet anymore. I just find it very painful to accept the fact that I will one day disappear forever, and never have any thoughts and feelings again…it’s just too overwhelmingly scary.
I’ve been afraid of death since I was capable of forming memories (~4 years old), I always believed that life is too short. I’m sure we all know we cannot do anything about it, which makes me more scared and feel even more unfair. Sometimes I rather not have been alive at all, then I wouldn’t even get the chance to feel this fear, and suffer.
From reading the comments, I realize that you people out there are suffering from a much severe case, where you constantly think about it/feel it. It only happens to me when I intentionally think about it, but the feeling is so vivid…the feeling of not being able to think/feel, and ever know what will happen ever again.
Yea I also agree in wishing that we could come back to Earth, but I don’t like the idea of reincarnation much, maybe because I am selfish; I want to be on Earth, with my conscious not somebody elses’. I wouldn’t mind being reincarnated as any organisms though, as long as I’m on Earth, with my conscious….well that’s my wish ahah, won’t happen of course.
I figure it’s really because I love and enjoy being on Earth, and do not ever want to leave it…does that go for anyone else?
November 12th, 2008 at 15:50
A,
I feel I can relate very much to all you said. We work so hard to learn and to be better persons, and then it all goes away – it’s feel so futile at times to even try (but of course we continue to, just as we should).
I love it here as well, and get terrified when I think that I won’t be here anymore and won’t ever feel or think anything again.
November 12th, 2008 at 23:57
Yea I read your 1st post carefully afterwards…it’s very similar to my ideas
December 27th, 2008 at 9:47
HI there, like all of you I too have searched the net and am relieved to feel that I am not alone. I have often wondered just how many of us share this fear and knew there had to be so many. I remember being about 3 or 4 and crying to my brother that we were going to die – from then I had a medium fear of dying. However, 3 years ago I suffered a very traumatic experience and it compounded the fear and I would lie paralysed with fear about death and the unknown. I remember asking my mum if she feared death and she said “You just come to accept it” – I hope so. While my fear is real what is odd is that when I think of death and nothingness a mental image comes into my head – the image is stunningly beautiful, a vast lush valley like image – a crisp blue sky, green green grass – it makes me laugh because it should be black emptiness yet it’s not..
I have like many people here pondered the alternatives, seeking reassurance, and have found none. Reincarnation scares me as I think what if I come back as a starving child or a victim of some kind? The after life – to me it’s floating around in nothingness – and of course the “maybe I’ll live forever” scenario – I spoke to my son about this because as I questioned my mother he questioned me and I said that I would hate to live forever because all you lose is love many times over. He said “what if we all lived forever”? – To me that would mean that we would have no room on this earth so then we would have to stop procreating – their would be no drive, no ambition, no reason to work or to strive for what we wanted – because we would have all the time in the world. It feels great to be able to put this down in writing – a relief of some kind. I think my fear is the actual moment of death, will it hurt, will I be stricken with terror, logically I think not, I think that my brain will shut down before my body. I will go back to the trauma I suffered 3 years ago, it was very brutal but during this I felt no pain, shock maybe but no physical pain. As a footnote, I found this site when I typed in “help I’m turning 40″ lol – maybe there’s something in that. What interested me with your post was that you said you have a wonderful life – it is true that the more we have then the more we have to lose. In happy times of my life I too have felt this sense of foreboding – when I feel this I hug my son and feel what is real an tangible and that is his love for me and mine for him. I think it is a signal to us to cherish what we have, to mind it and protect it.
Take care……….
January 10th, 2009 at 9:41
It just bothers me, how helpless us humans are, and how unfair it is to part with Earth….and lose all your memories, experiences, skills….
January 10th, 2009 at 21:47
approaching 40,
Thanks for sharing! I really like your mental image of death: I sincerely hope it is something like that!
And yes, what would happen if we ere to live forever (whatever that is)? It’s hard to say what we humans would actually be like. And I guess some of us would still die in accidents and the like, and then we would be petrified in doing anything, since any sort of risk would stop our forever-lasting lives. So I’m not really sure what alternative would be better – but it still doesn’t stop me from being scared out of my mind!
But absolutely, we should definitely cherish all we have, as much as we can!
Andy,
Thanks for writing! Yes, it’s far beyond our imagination, and I wonder if man will ever truly understand death, or our very existence.
January 20th, 2009 at 7:02
I thought that I was one of the few that was so scared of dying, but after reading through almost every posting here I have begun to realise that its not really a fear of death itself that I have but of dying alone and unloved. And of leaving people that love me behind.
This fear of dying has increased in the last year since the end of my 17yr marriage. I can’t put the blame anywhere on the split up, but after having dreams of getting old together with my ex-wife, I now find it so scary dying alone.
January 20th, 2009 at 12:58
Leee,
Thanks for writing!
I think that what you describe, being alone the last years in life, is a fear you share with many people, me included. Hopefully you nor anyone else will have to go through with that.
January 31st, 2009 at 19:01
Hey guys im 13, but anyway ive been looking for something like this and ive never found one with similar feelings that i have until now these exactly the feelings ive been feeling for 6-12 monthes and i want to know i cant get the thoughts out of my head and i want to believe in God as i am a christian but i cant get my head around it and i just want the thoughts to stop they are always at night and i cant sleep and sometimes i cry my self to sleep sometimes and i want to know if anti depressants would maybe help me or not for a short period of time
February 2nd, 2009 at 10:39
Rhino,
Thank you for writing!
It is very very hard to say what’s the best thing to do, and it varies greatly between different persons.
My completely personal view is that while medication might help or make you think less about dying, it doesn’t really treat the actual fear. It is probably better to talk to others about this: close ones, family and such, and if that’s not an option, try to get professional therapy help from someone to just talk to.
March 8th, 2009 at 7:16
Robert,
I’d like to start off by saying what a relief it is to have come across this site. I found comfort in some of these responses, and in knowing that I’m not the only one experiencing such thoughts.
I’m 17 and live in Beirut, Lebanon. Ironically, I’ve been close to death but the fear of death hasn’t hit me until tonight. I guess the notion of death is one people like to suppress, avoid and overlook. I chose not to absorb myself with those kinds of thoughts, I have been enjoying my life too much to think about the endpoint, but tonight, I was curious as to where my train of thought would take me. And the result was absolute fear.
Although I do share a lot of fears; the fear of having lived an fulfilling life, leaving behind loved ones, etc- I guess my biggest fear is that of the unknown. What will become of me after I die? What will happen to me? Re-incarnation or whatnot does not comfort me because I want this life, who I am now, to be eternal. I dismiss the idea of heaven and hell and don’t find comfort in the afterlife, I seem to be in denial about the whole prospect of death.
I want to remain “tara”, rather than succumb to the immortality of my spirit. I hope my stubbornness is just a phase, and that over time I do start accepting the idea of death.
I’d like to thank the author for the wonderful post and the readers whose insight I found comfort in.
Thank you.
March 10th, 2009 at 12:00
Tara,
Thanks for writing!
I feel the exact same way, I just want to continue being me, and that the same should go for my loved ones and their existence.
When it comes to starting thinking and see where it leads you, it’s probably a good thing to do, but at the same time I think you’re opening a door to thoughts where you can never find an answer, and it’s very hard to make those go away again.
March 21st, 2009 at 2:27
It is not accurate to say I am afraid of death, Once I am dead, I will either find the other side, or experience nothing whatsoever for the rest of eternity or so I believe.
My belief system makes it difficult to believe there is a utopia awaiting me. I feel I will find the same fate as a squished ant, and simply cease to exist. Once this happens there are no worries.
It is the knowledge that one day this will happen which create the worries. Seeing a movie with death awakens such worries. Sitting with my own thoughts at night triggers such worries. For me these worries are not terribly often…maybe once or twice a month. They have been with me since I was maybe 12 years old.
I can speak about death freely and easily, this is no problem as I am now. On occasion however after pondering the topic, knowing one day I will never again be with my lovely wife and child hits me like a ton of bricks on my chest. In every countless occurrence in my life my fight or flight response takes and instinctively pounce to my feet. Typically I run to my closest loved one and hug them until my fear subsides.
I write this not because I expect anyone to provide me with a solution to calm my fears. I write this to share my experience with those who may be experiencing similar fears, and to explain what is going in my mind to those who are fortunate not to have such fears.
March 21st, 2009 at 2:29
my two cents
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:28
Eric K,
Thank you for sharing!
I think that’s the gist for most people: they are happy, don’t ponder about death too much, but now and then the thoughts hit them hard, and they just can’t let go of their loved ones.
It’s very hard, but the upside is that hugging your close ones is always a good thing.
March 28th, 2009 at 11:54
Hi Robert
I was looking for budhism and fear of dying and came acroos your posting in 2006.
Somehow, as I was reading, it was as if I had written it because I so much identify with everything you say and everything you feel. My life is very similar. I am now 56 and I have had this fear since I was 5. Fourteen years ago I was in a very bad state emotionally but have always managed to keep myself going using alternative therapies. I tried several religions, I’ve read extensively, I listen to lots of cds, watched so many videos, attended so many work shops and talks but in the end I feel like you that I can ‘t bear the thought that ” my life will end, that my body will stop functioning, that all the thoughts, love and sorrows I bear with me will vanish. That I will cease to exist, and that I will be just gone” (quoted from your text).
I know that it is ilogical because it seems pointeless to worry all the time about something we can do nothing about. It also does not matter to me if I am going to reencarnate. What I don’t want is to stop existing. Although part of me is very spiritual and believe in energies I tend to relate more to my body than to my spirit. I don’t care what happens after I die. I am also not dealing very well with getting old. Although I look really young for my age, as my doctors says: you don’t look your age but you are your age.
Have you had any changes in your views since 2006 and after reading all the comments from people who wrote to you?
If you asked me today if I would like to win the loto or finally accept death and have piece of mind ,I would happily give up everything just to come to terms with death and dying.
I still handle my life normaly but I feel that I could fall off the cliff any time because I lost balance. I am forever watching myself and trying to keep steady on a tight rope.
Hope we can all find some peace and come to terms with death. I am still trying all means I can find at least to keep going.
Love to you all
Fernanda
March 29th, 2009 at 0:23
FERNANDA,
Thank you for writing!
Regarding if I have changed my view in the almost three years since I wrote this: not really, essentially.
I would say that I have my ups and downs, just like most people, I guess. At some times it feels very present and I feel near panicking, and at other times I don’t think about it at all.
What touches me, though, is that there are so many people out there with the same kind of thoughts, and if me, or any of the commenters, expressing what we feel here, can in any way bring some comfort or other perspective to the matter, it gladdens me to help out!
All in all, I think it’s vital for us to spend time with our loved ones, express our love and gratitude for the time we have with them and make the most out of our time as possible. That’s the best we can do, share love and make every minute count!
March 29th, 2009 at 17:54
Hi Robert
Yesterday after I wrote to you I continued reading about budhism and how they relate to death and came across this site which was very helpful to me. Maybe it might help you and the people that come to your blog. :
http://www.katinkahesselink.net/tibet/death_jagaro.html
I read the article and it touched me in a way nothing had done before. In fact I decided this morning to meditate as he suggested on my death. I imagined myself as a corpse and then being cremated and being reduced to powder in a small box. I was looking at this happening as an observer and the feeling I got for the first time ever was that I can’t be just that body that turned into powder. It was as if the observer was the real me and not my body.
It was a very interesting experience. Somehow it gave me a feeling that I can’t really explain. If you read the article or in fact I would like to suggest that olther people read it as well, you might get some insight and who knows it might make you feel better.. I had heard before that meditating on your death could be very helpful but never believed it. I think I will continue doing it.
I am always searching for things that will help me because If I am strong and happy so are the people around me, but if I am miserable I make my life and the life of others very sad.
Have a good week.
Fernanda
March 29th, 2009 at 18:15
FERNANDA,
Thanks for sharing!
I also completely agree with what you said in your last paragraph.
March 29th, 2009 at 19:44
Hi Robert.
Thanks for your reply.
If you do read the article on the link I sent you I would love to know your opinion.
Fernanda
March 30th, 2009 at 9:40
FERNANDA,
I will, at some time. Currently, I just need to focus on other things, because at this time I don’t want to think about it.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:59
i want to die now. but i do not know how to die
April 1st, 2009 at 8:10
anand,
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you manage to find meaning in your life.
April 1st, 2009 at 17:26
Hi Anand
I hope Robert won’t mind my sending you a message.
I am sorry you feel so unhappy with life at the moment.
I am new on this site and I don’t know if you have ever talked about the reasons for your wanting to die.
I would just like to suggest a book following from what Robert said about finding meaning in your life.
The book is called ” Man search for meaning” by Victor Frankl
I read it many years ago and it helped me a lot. Just an idea for you.
Take care
Fernanda
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:20
FERNANDA,
Absolutely, you are more than welcome to contribute whenever you want to!
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:51
Hi All,
I am so very thankful for all of your thoughts and feelings over death. I am new to this fear of dying, and it has taken over my life in the past few months. I had a traumatic incident occur in my life and I have not fully recovered from it, to say the least.
What I fear the most is dying right now. I am young- ish and have someone in my life who I do not want to lose. I am afraid of losing him and that makes me afraid of death. I am not afraid of the pain of dying but just that sense of loss. As many of you have stated, it is controlling my life at this point and giving me anxiety.
There are certain things that help…meditating, exercising, finding something that takes your mind off of your thoughts…but sometimes the fear is overwhelming.
I am trying to simply accept my fear, and roll with it. Look it in the face and come to terms with the fact that no matter what I do, I will die. And if we all die it must be ok.
I appreciate everyone’s comments and hope we can all find some sense of peace about the unknown.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:22
Sarah,
Thanks for writing!
I think each and everyone of us need to find whatever takes our mind of it; like you say, meditating might be good for some people, while exercising might be for others.
And I totally agree, to be able to get some piece of mind, we do need to try and accept, no matter how much we dislike that thought. I hope you, me and everyone else will find as much peace as possible about this.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:44
Hey Everyone,
I’m a young teenager, and this has probably been talked about many times over this post, but i had to get this off my chest.
I love life. I love my family, i love my friends, and i enjoy it to the fullest. Lately though, i have been thinking a lot about death and dying, and it is driving me crazy to know that i will be nothing someday. I’m not a religious guy, so please don’t tell me things like join god and it will be ok, not that i don’t respect everyone’s opinion.
I start to ask questions like why are we here, why does this have to end, and what happens when it does. These questions fill my mind all the time at night, and i hate it. I cant acknowledge the fact that someday i will have no thoughts or anything. I will be nothing. Dust.
And dont get me wrong, i want to believe in a god and afterlife, but i cant without actually seeing it.
Writing about all this actually helped, but tonight i will still not be able to sleep..
I want to live a long and happy life, but losing everything that i love and have worked so hard for during my short life makes me feel helpless and miserable.
Sorry for the long post.
April 14th, 2009 at 21:27
Scared Teen,
Thank you for writing! I think that, for me, my first really strong thoughts and fears of dying came in my teens as well. Probably since one has many important decisions to make which will shape one’s future, and one starts to wonder about what and if it really matters.
It’s hard to state what you should do, so my advice, no mater how cliché it will sound, is to try and make the most out of your time, and make sure to be true to yourself in the decisions you make.
Good luck, and don’t hesitate to write here again if you feel sad or down!
May 12th, 2009 at 4:01
Earlier this year I had some chest pains when I worked out (I’m 50) my doctor said I should see a Cardiologist. They ran a bunch of tests and then called me one evening to say the tests showed reduced blood flow to the front of my heart. I went in the bedroom and cried so hard – I was so afraid. Anyway, after a more definitive test it turned out to be a false positive on an earlier test and my heart is absolutely fine. Here’s the thing – I am now freaked out about dying. I’ve been freaked about it in the past but this is much worse. I too am a Christian and prayer has brought me much relief but I have so many doubts and then I think God is going to punish me because my faith is weak and here’s the real kicker… I was a minister for 10 years!
I can’t accept that this life is it – that there’s nothing more but how can I be sure? How can anyone?
To all who share this fear – live everyday to the full, make your life count by serving others (you’ll long be remembered) and try prayer (even if you’re not a believer) it takes away the loneliness and gives you strength (and yes, I’m preaching to myself).
May 12th, 2009 at 10:02
William,
Thank you very much for sharing! I’m glad that your condition turned out well – I have imagined a couple of times how I would react in such a situation.
And I agree, all we can do is make the most out of our time, and take care of the people around you.
June 18th, 2009 at 21:39
I was poking around the web, looking for some answers to the question: “how to talk to someone who is dying,” and I came across this site.
The fear of death is too huge to contemplate.
The priests and shamans, since the beginning of human consciousness have recognized this fear and, in a move to either control or help with people’s fears, created religion and tried to assuage these fears with fabrications and myths; which should help somewhat in the unconscious part of our brains.
What they don’t realize is that their incantations and lies do not help in the least. They put out what they think the populace will swallow. And, sadly, most of the populace will, indeed, swallow it. Or try to swallow. Most often, it lodges in our throats because it isn’t the truth. We recognize the truth as soon as it is spoken, yet everyone lies. I feel badly calling anyone a liar; it’s more a case that everyone attempts to put forth their very best guess and, voila! the winning guess turns into a religion.
If anyone has ever sat with a dying person and truly empathized what it must be feeling to be them, facing the on/off switch, knowing that any minute they could be switched off forever; it has to be a very frightening thing to face. We approach our own time of death, knowing that it is inevitable, knowing that billions of people have died before us, yet somehow we feel like the “only one” who shouldn’t have to die.
My husband is at his cousin’s deathbed right now, trying to help out in any way he can, yet not having the slightest knowledge of how to help. I’m searching for words for him to use with his cousin, but we aren’t sure of his cousin’s religious beliefs and we would find it very difficult to speak of an afterlife to him if he is agnostic or atheist. I sometimes imagine myself dying and picture the religious people I know coming to see me “to say good-bye,” and offering their religious platitudes and it makes me want to puke. You wouldn’t want to tell them to stuff their beliefs and leave you alone with your own. But when it’s your death and it happens to be the biggest thing you’ve faced in your entire lifetime, you’re not going to want someone butting in to your private time of dying with their “best guess.”
I’ve heard of people “accepting” their impending death and wonder what it feels like to give up and just let it happen.
While I appreciate all the comments made here for the last 3 years, I’m sad to say that I’m not coming away with any answers. Even an ex-minister is able to admit that he, too is as afraid as the rest of us.
We’re all in the same boat and we don’t have a paddle. Something is wrong with this scenario.
Good luck to us all.
I wish I could have put this into a more interesting context. I wish someone could make a really good guess – as he or she will be the next messiah!
I feel so sorry for my husband, who has his own problems expressing his emotions, to be at the side of his male cousin, who also was raised to not talk about feelings.
We need a truthteller!
June 18th, 2009 at 22:09
Sue,
Thanks for writing! It’s is, naturally, a very hard question. And, honestly, my personal opinion is that I don’t think there’s a good reply to it.
From my experience, what I’ve heard and similar, I believe that it is probably not worth trying to give them an explanation or soothing words about something that no one of us actually know anything about – as you say, it might offend or disturb them.
I think, when in such a situation, the best thing we can do is just to be there for them. Show them that we love them, that we will stick around for whatever happens and no matter what’s next, we’re there to hold their hand.
Talk about memories and try to make the last part of their life as pleasant as it can possibly be.
June 21st, 2009 at 3:10
Hi Robert – thanks for your blog. You’ve started quite an interesting conversation. I turned 40 this year and the strange thing is that when I was a child I used to freak myself out and cry myself to sleep imagining about what living forever would be like. Living forever and ever and ever…
Just before and since 40 I’ve thought about dying more than ever before, and sometimes just the mere thought of it gives me chest pains. not good. I’ve been a Christian for most of my life and in my 30s I had enough personal encounters with God to convince me that God was very very real. Real enough that I took a few risks that ten years later have all turned out not because of coincidence or good planning but because I was doing what God was calling me to do. I know most people would think that is a bunch of crap, but there it is. So, if I had all this great stuff happen and God was so real, what happened? Where did it go and can I get it back?
If I was more post-modern I’d be content with “creating” meaning for my life (e.g. make the best of the time you have now, etc..).
The thing is, I don’t want to “create” anything. I want to “know” what is true and then live accordingly.
I used to KNOW. Then I BELIEVED. Now I DOUBT. Strange how that happened. I hope that I will find knowing again. God’s peace to you all.
June 22nd, 2009 at 20:03
Steve,
Thanks for your comment.
I think that that’s just different between people: some like to create what they believe is best for them, other look for meaning and knowing to come/be there for them.
All I can really say is that I hope everyone gets as happy as they can be, and that whatever they’re looking for will be found/come to them.
July 19th, 2009 at 8:40
First to Robert –
Thank you for sharing what so many can relate with and may I say struggle with.
To Steve –
I have been acutely aware of my mortality my entire life. I’m 26 and a divorced single mother. I was raised in a Christian home by parents who struggled with fear and faith.
In childhood I would lay awake hours past my bedtime in total terror of eternity and the big question that noone could ever answer satisfactorily – When did God begin?
I believe as children we are vulnerable to Lucifer’s torments. And I was one he tormeted. Only praying that God would make me go to sleep would I ever get to sleep. If I forgot to pray I’d keep myself awake way past Letterman. (my father worked rotating shifts) My parents very much tried to shelter me from things I was too young to comprehend – to reduce my fears. But nevertheless I absorbed everything I could. I am the exact same way today. I am a black hole for information. If it gets close enough I absorb it and store it away for future use.
Tonight – 2:30 in the morning – I find myself in a similar situation as I did when I was a child. Fearing my mortality and immortality.
My child is 5. This world is becoming a spinning pit. Creation has done nothing but degrade since it’s genesis. I believe my son’s future holds more heartache for him than my future did for me when I was a child. How will he cope when I am gone? Who will he have to rely on?
But there is also an underlying current.. that I am here for more than I know. And I have been desperately seeking that unique reason. I know I’ll find confirmation when I’ve arrived at that point..but the journey there is interminable. I pray the Lord’s Will be done in my life but I hesistate that part of His will for my life might resemble (even 1%) that of Job’s. And THAT makes me anxious.
I can also very much related to the up’s and down’s of your faith and sympathize with your time of stagnation. I would love to hear your story more in depth if you don’t mind.
I do hope you return to see this.
My email – flcor13@hotmail.com
July 21st, 2009 at 9:53
Fara,
Thank you for writing!
July 27th, 2009 at 0:54
The horror about death is not the physical pain, or what happens after death, which I think is nothing. The horror of death is that moment, when you know you will die, when you are in a bed getting ready to go, saying the last farewell to your family and friends. If in live we get horrible thoughts because of someone cheating us, or because we lied to someone, imagine the psychological process that is dying. Imagine what people is thinking when they say goodbye to people. Death is psychological challenge to which we prepare all our life. Heaven and Hell do exist, is that moment when you are about to die, when you are having the Final Thought, if you have a good self esteem/clean consciou, you will have a blissful experience, otherwise a hellish experience. I believe that when dying the body releases a lot of chemicals to sedate us and make us feel good, thus people report seeing that tunnel and a feeling of tranquility. Maybe people with bad self esteem due to their actions in life have less pain relieving chemicals and have a worse death experience. It probably is better to die in an accident, without ever realizing it, as to skip that psychological horror.
August 16th, 2009 at 23:54
merma,
Thanks for writing. I agree that it is probably very hard on one psychologically, but overall, personally, I worry more about ceasing to exist rather than the actual moment of dying.
August 26th, 2009 at 16:48
I randomly came across this thread whilst googling, very interesting.
I too have these anxiety attacks and almost a dull sense of my mortality constantly looming in the back of my mind.
I cannot agree with you more that it seems to come in waves and also as I am falling to sleep, all of a sudden Im in a panic, sweating saying “oh my god” to myself over and over.
I know personally I just have to say to myself “fuck it go to sleep you prick” and funny enough this is actually the only thing i’ve found that helps, simply suppressing it.
August 26th, 2009 at 17:23
Toby,
Thanks for writing! And definitely, I guess we all have our ups and downs…
Sometimes suppressing/focusing on other things really help, and if that’s the solution of the day, so be it. The most important thing is that we feel well.
August 29th, 2009 at 5:52
I don’t even know how old this post is! But on a different note, I’m 19 years old, and have watched my father, and my loved ones go on, and I don’t know if It had a part on the way I am being terrified of dying, but I cry, for hours, & hours…the thought of living your whole life, but you REALLY didn’t gain anything at all. I am so depressed by the thought of dying, I don’t really have much friends anymore, I can’t work, & it revolves around everything I do. It just seems like a sick joke to me, and It’s not fair…I recently started praying, and reading passages out of the bible, and I’m by no means perfect, but what if there is a God? He seems to be my only hope, and If there is a God, and I have a chance of living for an eternity, why not take that chance? Why not put faith into SOMETHING, when you have nothing? It won’t hurt you, I figure. They say he loves you unconditionally, and he died for your sins, because who knows we are not perfect, so I’m sold. It’s a comfort. I would go back to doing various drugs, and drinking, but it gets old..having to rely on something to make you happy just doesn’t seem right anymore.
August 29th, 2009 at 19:48
Crystal,
Thank you for writing! I’m sorry to hear that you have lost your loved ones.
When it comes to faith, my opinion is that you should do whatever makes you feel better and gives you hope. Life might at times seem meaningless, but it’s even a bigger waste if we are constantly sad.
Good luck!
September 5th, 2009 at 9:37
My name is Justin, I just turned 19 three days ago and came to the same conclusion as I did last time. When I was four years old, I thought waiting until I was Eighteen would take such a long, long time. Now, here I am at 19 and realizing that it passed in an instant. A mere blink of an eye. Time is so short, it’s so bitterly short.
It’s 3:18am in the Morning here and this marks about the seventh consecutive day in which I have stayed up. I’ve been searching google, MSN and every other piece of literature in my library to research Death and the Great Beyond. My fear of Death comes not from going to Hell or whatever other religious equivalent. I am not religious, I do not believe in God nor do I disbelieve. I do not know if there is or is not and have come to terms with my limited knowledge and my lack of spiritual awareness. I am afraid of the possible outcome being ‘Nothingness’. People have said in many places,’ Why fear it? If death is Nothing, you won’t exist to worry about it.’ True, but I exist now and I like ‘existing’. I like thinking, I like watching my pointless television shows, I like playing video games, I like flirting with girls, I like reading books. I even like being lectured or scolded, because it all means I am alive…that I exist, that I am here and I am me. To suddenly be told or informed that when I die everything will cease, who I am or have become…my thoughts and dreams, my aspirations…my emotions and my feelings, never to experience the simple joy of looking at a picture or watching a Movie or even enjoying the taste of a stupid McDonald’s Cheeseburger. All these simple things we take for granted…and having the thought in my head that one day I will just fade away and never experience anything ever again; that just makes my throat clam up and my body tremble.
I wish I was raised in religion…any religion. I wish I had Faith. When I was younger, I went to Church and thought I had found religion in Jesus. But I came to realize, the Bible and preachings ARE NOT the Word of God. It is the Word of Man INTERPRETING the Word of God. As far as ANY of you know, the Bible is just a bunch of babble to cause fear and world-wide control over the fearful. If God exists…why can’t he reveal himself? Why remain so seclusive and rely on us ‘finding’ Jesus in our heart? Why would such a Loving, Benevolent God rely on such a meager task when he could simply walk among us as a reminder and GOD and alleviate our fears? Where is God when the truly just die? Where is God when an innocent child has his parents gunned down in front of him and is left to live in the slums and starve to death? You defend that with ‘these are the Sins of Man’ but what did a child do to deserve such a fate?
Do not get me wrong, I have done some serious wrongs in my life and sit back and wonder ‘What if?’ almost every single waking moment, thinking if I could change things in the past. However, I try my very best to be a good person and help others. I try my best to love and let love, to not discriminate and to simply enjoy the little things. But why does Life have to end? Why do I fear the Nothing to come (if it is Nothing)? I don’t want to die. I do not want to cease in my existing. I have looked to immortality, black magic and fictional answers, nanomachines and almost every other life-extension or indefinite life theory there is. I would rather burn in hell for eternity, existing in despair then not exist at all. I do not want to simply fade away…I want to experience and grow and learn and love and taste and all the other things regarded as life forever. I don’t care how boring it gets, I don’t care how much we consume or destroy the Planet because we’re a stupid, stupid race. Humankind is a Parasite, we take and we take and we never give back.
But I love this Life and I can’t fathom non-existence. I don’t want to die and at the age of 19, I fear it to such an extent that I break into sobs and hate that I was ever born. Why bring me into existence…to learn and grow to love this Life I live…and then tell me that I will have to give it up, that I will die and A; Go to Hell because I am not Christian OR B; Fade into Nonexistence. I want to live, God be Damned. I want to continue!
September 7th, 2009 at 6:26
At 15 I can’t seem to grasp the concept of nothingness and that when you die, you will fade into nothing, you won’t be able to experience anything forever. Lately I’ve been thinking about it more than I should or want to, and at nights it gets me really depressed so I have to listen to the radio or something. It’s been really serious lately that I think I may have necrophobia or something like that. I don’t want to get into religion because while it helps me live happier it obscures the truth and blankets me under what sounds like false reassurance. Like a lot of people who have posted here I want to believe that there is an afterlife or reincarnation. For lack of a better word, it would SUCK to never experience anything ever again for infinity and beyond, to never see anything, to never be with anyone, to be in eternal darkness. I want to believe that everyone has a soul and that there is more to a person and their life and existance than their physical atoms, that we do have a spirit that carries on with us and allows us to at least live, even if it isn’t on earth. However I’m scared that it’s just my ego that I’m too important to die. It really comes down to the fact that I can’t accept my inevitable death and the possibility that I will be in eternal darkness forever, never being able to experience life again.
September 7th, 2009 at 13:37
Justin,
Thank you very much for your comment! A lot of the things you write mirror what I, from times, feel too. I think this line of yours nails it:
Davis,
Thank your for writing!
You’re definitely not alone when it comes to not wanting to accept an inevitable death. All we can do is try to make the best out the life we have, I think.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:46
I think it’s all very tragic, personally.
November 4th, 2009 at 1:53
Oh my. Just reading that, and seeing that another person feel exactly the same as me so greatly quells my anxiety. One thing that makes my anxiety about this increase is the feeling that I’m the only one who feels this afraid of dying– and if that’s the case, then it must be because I’m psychic or something and I just know I’m going to die soon, maybe in a year, maybe tomorrow… oh my god!
That’s the usual thought process.
Thank you. I’m bookmarking this post for nights like these– when I Google “I’m afraid of dying.”
November 4th, 2009 at 1:58
Anon,
Do you find the thought of dying tragic, or being afraid of dying?
April,
I’m very happy to hear that it can be of any comfort to you!
November 9th, 2009 at 8:43
Hey, I found this site by googling my anxiety about death and I find it interesting to see so many others from all walks of life with the same fear as me. I remember getting upset about death at a very early age, maybe 5 or 6ish I cannot be sure, but that was a one off until around the age of 12 where I couldn’t shake this fear of death, I spoke about it with my parents when I couldn’t sleep and their comforting words did ease my mind for the time being. Yet still the thoughts and fear of death haunt me persistantly, I myself am sercurely atheist unfortunatly so I believe that death is the end and eventually even my memory/my imprint upon this earth will be forgotten and it still scares me. Around the age of 15 I started to be able to avoid thinking about it, to block it out, but not anymore. Lately I have been scared of loosing my parents, I am an 18 year old male university student and I am scared when I look back at the person I was, being a child and how old I have grown since then, how old my parents have become, my dad has just hit the age of 50 and one day their comforting words will no longer be there. I guess the thoughts based around the fear of my own death have extended to my family as well now that I am older and it’s just something I will have to deal with, maybe it’s this added fear which has made me unable to block it out like I used to… to be honest im not sure, I find switching a light on whilst gathering my thoughts helpful or reading a book before going to bed definitely helps to take your mind off it. Anyway I just wanted to say that your thoughts echoed my own and I actually feel a little better now after reading this, unfortunatly I doubt this will last long but providing I manage to get to sleep before then it’s not a problem, I only really properly think about it before going to bed which proves a problem if I want to get some sleep.
thanks for the site
I hope everybody manages to come to terms and be at peace with their own mortality, I hope I do at the very least
November 9th, 2009 at 12:06
paris,
Thanks for sharing! I like your last sentence about coming to peace with mortality, and I really wish everyone do.
November 10th, 2009 at 16:50
[...] on the below article on http://robertnyman.com/2006/04/22/im-afraid-of-dying/. This is not my writing, but I connected with it and could hear myself recounting the same [...]
November 15th, 2009 at 18:30
This is the best place I have come across on the internet,all the comments I am reading on here describe how I have felt .I became obssessed with dying at age 18.It ruined my life because I no longer cared about my future .I quit school and just did whatever I could that would occupy my mind.I was married young and ended up in a bad marriage.The turning point in my life took place when my 6 year old daughter was rushed to the ER .They confirmed that she had rye syndrome a powerful brain infection that no antibiotic could kill and if they could help her at all it would take months to recover and end up with brain injury . As I walked out of the hospital with my 8 year old son I was weeping openly. I was 36 years old and the thought of losing my daughter was more than I could stand.The next day when I returned to work a friend of mine who was deep into the Bible and church life heard my story and asked if I would pray with him for my daughter.At lunch time I stood next to him as he prayed for my gaughter and he told me to keep it up when I got home.That night I joined hands with my son and asked him to pray for his sister along with me.The next morning when I went to the hospital I couldn’t believe my eyes, my daughter was sitting up in bed smiling and talking with a nurse who was giving her a new hairdo. I waited to talk to a pediatrician who had flown from south africa just to see my daughter and after he examined her he said to me she is fine no more sign of infection.I said to him doctor how can this be? did they make a mistake in the diagnosis? He turned to me and said young man do you believe in miracles? He said I can assure you there was no mistake made with the lab results, he said your daughter’s infection was equivelant to gangerene in a grown man’s leg that would require amputation!When I went back to work my friend told me that he had formed a prayer group from his church and along with his wife they prayed for my daughter’s healing till the time they went to sleep.To make the story short, since then I have developed a strong belief in GOD. I can’t say that I understand everything about how GOD works but then again are we suposed to know?? I am now 60 years old and even though I live alone I am enjoying life much more than before because now I don’t think the way I used to think. I used to feel like why get to like anything? you will have to die and leave it all anyway..But today I can say enjoy your family and friends and everything because I believe that when we die nothing ends, everything continues at a much higher level.I do believe that there is no interruption in our life when we die.Forget the funeral parlor or the casket, that’s not where we will be.When we die it will be like walking from one door way into the next no time lapse.We will enter enternity with no more of these agnozing fears or pains or separation from anyone or anything. Hope this helps someone.
November 16th, 2009 at 10:49
Joe,
Thank you for sharing!
It makes me very very happy to hear that your daughter made it!
November 22nd, 2009 at 6:20
im also afraid of dying and being dead.
my life has come to a point there is no point of living, no point of life, no point getting out of bed, no point in making new friendships or new relationships with people, no point of understanding human cruelty and killing eachother in different forms by war, murder, hate crimes, religion etc.
where is point in that. i dont trust any human being, how can i.
i wish i was never born so i didnt know, i didnt see, i didnt get hurt by everything. now i must see me dying, see my self 6ft underground in darkness. how cant i feel that. i do feel that yes i do. just the thought when im closing my eyes every time is a chance im ending my life by going to sleep.
im still young but im walking dead.
living but not breathing.
every person is the same in terms of contexture, awareness, mortality, feelings, joy, sadness, etc. and we are still hurting eachother. irony, lies, cynicism, sarcasm, deception etc.
personally i dont see point in all of that even if mass needs all those traits just to justify human evolution. that is crap
i had to many sleepless nights when im lying in my bed and are afraid of closing my eyes becuase fear of dying.
nobody can lie to him/her self by not being afraid of death. like yes its natural, you dont feel nothing when you are dead, you are wimp i am tuff, think positive not negative, etc etc.
but that is a comfort zone, deny, lie.
just when you watch your love one die in front of you, you are afraid
you panic, you shake. child with mortal disease can scare every parent in the world and you dont hear somebody telling that person you are wimp im tuff, think positive, its natural, aaaa he is not gonna feel anything. it is ok. life goes on. you keep silent, thats what you do.
i am aware of death and its meaning and thats scare crap of me
just that you present thought can be so intense and focus on a summarized dot of your all life since you were born and baam you are dead, you are gone,
if anybody had sleep paralysis thats the feeling i have. you know you gonna die but think you see your self dying like a preview and there i nothing you can do.
the most scary part is when people know their time line. how can you come to agreement with your self.
maybe death would not be so frightening if the world was an utopia
a place where humans are trying do make them self a purpose by focusing on evolution in wider range. knowledge, science, solutions, disease cures, unlocking human potential and where there is no politics, no propaganda, no starvation, no wars, no crime, no deceptions, a solution to eliminate bad traits. no need for back/hidden thoughts. no more profits. no government
just one union, one race, one nation, humans and only jobs of evolving our race in many fields, exploring etc.
November 25th, 2009 at 11:01
Thank you for sharing.
I don’t really know i there’s any comforting to say, and this might sound naive, but I guess the best thing we can do is be good people and hope that it will affect and influence other people too.
November 29th, 2009 at 14:17
I have thought alot about death during my life and have found that its not death at all that scares me. I find its the fear that all the wonderful memories , thoughts , emotions , the things ive seen in my life and the things ive felt will all be lost to time. And that over the years i will be forgotten , As generations of my family that are left behind slowly fade into the future. That the time will come when im not even a foot note in this world. That is what i have found truly scares and and makes me sad about the end.
November 30th, 2009 at 11:24
C. Blair,
Thanks for writing!
I agree, very much about the fear is not the moment of dying, but what we are missing out on, and what is lost.
November 30th, 2009 at 17:44
The phrase ‘suspension of disbelief’ kind of sums up every action and interaction I engage in. It’s like an all-encompassing awareness, or filter.. maybe a lack of a filter.
I struggle with seeing a particular significance in almost anything and I feel guilty about it.. to me it seems as if life has a fundamentally illusionary nature, like a shadow on the wall, or a reflection in a mirror, but what is it that is being reflected?
November 30th, 2009 at 19:22
Anon,
Thanks for sharing!
It’s a very good question.
January 1st, 2010 at 15:15
To chime in with what everyone else was saying. I agree with the majority on these posts. I’m 27 years old and I’ve been getting a lot of anxiety/ panic attacks lately. I started having these when my dog and grandma passed away a few years ago.
I usually think about death right before I go to sleep because I think that’s how death is. As if we’re sleeping but never wake up. As we get older, we grow younger again physically and mentally. I try to see death as not an ending but as a rebirth. Nothing in our universe(s) die but just gets converted into a different source of energy. Like when a sun dies, it goes super nova which in return gives back energy of different elements that nourish the universe, or it transforms into a neutron star to form possible new planets.
On top of all that, we are made of star dust also serves the point that nothing in this universe dies so to speak. Our physical bodies do but our energy gets recycled into something else. That is all we are, just energy. On that note, I think there is no reason to believe that human species is inferior to another, we rely on everything else just as it relies on us. I don’t see myself as religious but I guess this is somewhat Buddhist philosiphy, I could be wrong though.
“In all of our searching the only thing that makes the emptiness go away, is each other.” Ted Arroway; Contact.
RIP Carl Sagan.
I suggest you guys watch Contact if you haven’t already. It’s a mind relaxer and touches base on the topic discussion.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contact_%28film%29
January 2nd, 2010 at 21:49
RiVvenGuard,
Thanks for writing!
And personally, I do like that view of that we will always, in some form, exist as energy and be part of the universe.
January 10th, 2010 at 21:13
[...] A friend recently mentioned fears of dying. [...]
February 5th, 2010 at 2:37
I, too, have a terrible fear of dying. I do not know if it is considered a phobia, but often several times a day I am either overly grateful that I am still alive, or terribly frightened that at any given moment I will die. I know it seems dramatic, but realistically every one of us who has avoided terminal disease or fatal injury is a lucky person, since there are so many illnesses and dangers in the world.
I mean, sure, that sounds paranoid. And I admit, I am paranoid and suffer from an anxiety disorder.
The only way I can feel any better about death or debilitating illness (I fear both), is by reassuring myself that I have touched the lives of the people I love in a positive way, and that they will not forget me anytime soon.
February 6th, 2010 at 0:24
Mary,
Thanks for sharing!
I think that sounds like a very good way to handle it, to think about making other peoples’ lives better, and that they will remember you as a good person.
February 9th, 2010 at 3:05
Robert i apologise, i said i didnt write on the net much and i think it’s been proven by my inability to see that i had hit the back button before posting this long winded message. I beleive i wrote my message in your most recent post and not here where it should have gone lol. Here it is in the right place!
Robert first off let me say hi and thanks. This one page has answered alot of questions and has shown me I am not alone. Now im not a very good writer i never usually respond to things i read on the net but i had to tell someone my story as it might help out someone as your origional post helped me.
Now before i start let me just say i dont beleive in religion and i don’t beleive in the athiests views i have my own personal beleifs that i have just now discovered.
I was at a party one night when i was confronted with an athiest we got to talking about my religion and as i joke i told him i was an “Agnostic Theist Athiest” and when he questioned me on this i told him i dont wholly beleive in a christian god and sometimes when the mood takes me i don’t beleive in a god at all. He asked me why and i could not answer him, he told me my problem was i had a lack of faith and i couldn’t see the truth, nothing happens after we die. I reject this idea, i personally am terrified of death but not because of nothingness after we die its something diffrent it’s the thought of this life as being pointless. If we were solely created to live then why not just give us some basic survival skills and send us out into the world, why ponder, why create. Art is meaningless to our existence why create it then? Love is meaningless, why love, we don’t need to love to mate so why? for awhile i have despaired at these questions as it makes my existence here meaningless, as it makes all of our’s pointless and i just can’t buy it. So i beleive that there is a god to some degree i beleive we were created theres just far too much evidence not to agree. Imagine nothingness, most people think of a terrible blackness but the truth is nothingness is much less than that and imagine that’s at one point all our universe was. What created the first thing? people theorise it was a “Big Bang” but then what created this big bang? again something cant just come from nothing, its impossible.
Look at free will, conciousness, personality, spirituality. We are an inquisitive species by nature but why? what’s the point if there truly is nothing out there? i reject that notion whole heartidly, Ill never know if there is a creator but to me it makes sense. To me it gives some comfort.
I really still am confused in what i beleive and being 22 i thought i was too young to really worry about it to the point i thought something was wrong with me. It is very comforting to see people even younger than me question there morality. Truly though don’t ever be scared of death, no one can ever say what happens after we die, science tells us nothing but science has been wrong before it’s based alot on beleif a narrow beleif that all we see is all we have. Look around your world and never be afraid to question what is and why it is. If we all sit around waiting on the inevitable then on our deathbed we will look back at this time as wasted, live it and love it and be sure to squeeze every single minute of pleasure out of our lives theres nothing wrong with being afraid, but don’t let that fear rule your life. I had so much more to say on this subject but i don’t want to get all preachy. Remeber though is all else fails just think of life as being in the doctors waiting room when your sure theres bad news to be told. You can sit around fidgiting and waiting for that door to open or you can kick back, open a magazine and enjoy the wait. Who knows maybe when it’s all said and done there will have been nothing to worry about the whole time.
Also let me add here that i just wanted to say that you are an incredibly brave person, i would never have written about my fears as you did it took a helluva lot of courage.
February 9th, 2010 at 10:04
VeryConfused,
Thank you for writing! And absolutely, I also believe there is much more than science to existence, and most likely, mankind will never ever be able to grasp the whole concept of existence.
February 13th, 2010 at 12:29
You took the words that are at the heart of my fear and made them make sense. Thank goodness for you – because it makes me feel that I am not alone.
You spoke my fears more eloquently than I have ever heard them. So know this; you are not alone.
February 15th, 2010 at 9:49
Lauren,
Thank you! It is very comforting that we are many people who share this fears, that we indeed aren’t alone.
February 24th, 2010 at 20:28
from the day you’re born to the day you die… you never had any control over your life. just live life to its fullest and do the right thing. if there’s life on other words, i’m sure those with common sense would think the same exact thing.
February 25th, 2010 at 10:16
me,
Most likely they do.
April 16th, 2010 at 22:25
I can relate to you alot. For the past 6 months i have felt really down and depressed and over time it has become worse, all i can think about is death. I am so scared and i try not to think about in depth but sometimes i cant help it and when i do, it is so hard for me to get my head around. I cant understand how you can just die, I totally understood what you were feeling when you wrote: “Why am I afraid? I can’t even begin to fathom that my life will end, that my body will stop functioning and that all the thoughts, love and sorrows I bear with me will vanish. That I will cease to exist, and that I will be just gone.” -this is exaclty what im constantly thinking about. I went to a church of england school and grew up around people with many different beliefs and i think it would be so nice if i could just believe!! becasue then it would give me some hope that life does go on after death but science stops me from doing this. I try and keep myself busy so that i dont think about it as much but i know its always at the back of my head and when i go to bed at night i also have dealth experiences. One time i dreamt that i had died and my soul had come out of my body and i was on the ceiling and i could just see my body drifting away and then i woke up sweating and crying and ran downstairs. I know that i need to make the most of my life and that is what im going to do but i wish i could just push these thoughts to the side and get on with everything but it is so hard. Im not really afraid of pain or how i die, im more afraid of the fact that basically i am just made up of energy and particals etc and once my body stops working, thats the end, i cant begin to understand.!! However it is compfrting to know that im not the only one with these feelings because sometimes i feel like nobody else understands. It feels like when i was younger i didnt know that you died and that someones just told me that its going to happen and im in shock. When in relaity i have known all along it just hasnt bothered me until now. I hope that we can all get through it knowing that everybody dies eventually and it is a natural accurance and maybe we do live on within our offspring
Great post
April 19th, 2010 at 9:59
Hannah,
Thanks for sharing!
And I agree: I’m sure belief could comfort a lot of the worries, and at times i really wish I had that to make things feel better.
Eventually, though, we just come come to terms with it. I hope.
May 15th, 2010 at 1:39
First can i just say im really impressed that this thread has been continuing since 2006!
I wanna get a little deep here, if no1 minds. Because im currently 36 weeks pregnant with my second child and during my pregnancy i have experienced the worst death anxiety i have ever experienced in my life. Before i had my son, who is now 6, death was something that happened to other people. I “knew” it was going to happen to me, i wasn’t stupid but i could not concieve the reality of it. If that makes sense? I was young, i just wanted to hang out with my friends and talk about boys and get drunk and see who was wearing what at college etc. Then i became a mother and death wore a different face. It didn’t haunt me, but some nights i would wake up in a sweat and the reality of it would hit me like a ton of bricks. This would happen periodically. But the past few months, it’s been haunting me always. I was recently stuck in Portugal due to the Volcanic ash cloud which shut all UK airports and it really scared me. The flight home scared me. I fear that my life is futile. I sit in the pub with my friends having a good time and then all of a sudden i look around me and think “You’re gna die…and you…and you over there…the bar maid’s gna die…” The fact of the matter is. We ARE ALL going to die. And even though i dont want to i pray im a very old lady in my bed when i go. Asleep.
I once read something that made me laugh. “dont take life too seriously. None of us are going to make it out alive.”
And where i do believe this is very true, I think the point to life will be revealed to us in the end. And if there is nothing but nothing…then the point to life will have been this…JUST LIVE.
May 17th, 2010 at 9:45
Lucie,
Thank you for writing!
I think what you touch on is very important, and that all we can do, four ourselves, our children or other close ones, is just to live and make the best we can of it. At least that we can affect.
May 20th, 2010 at 12:19
A World War II vet told me of his story. His ship was sunk. He floated many hours alone before being rescued. He survived that only to have the next ship he was assigned to also be sunk and again spend many hours afloat alone prior to rescue. In both cases, comrades did not survive. He wondered if he would. This man was not an intellectual person. His conclusion from those days forward was “Every day is a gift.” I believe he is correct.
All we can do is use each day as best we can (and there are days when we simply can’t) to do good in our individual worlds. Be good to people. Thank God for each day. Expect nothing in return. Accept that God exists and is with you. What harm is there in that? Is it not a good thing? Give your fears to God. That is all you can do, intellectual or not, to find peace.
I have always been envious of those souls who upon pondering fears and deep questions, and not finding an answer, simply leave it in God’s hands. An intellectual would deem this as ignorance perhaps. But is it not the essence of wisdom? It is a difficult thing to do, to acquire wisdom. Intellect and knowledge is not so hard to acquire by comparison eh? In fact intellect and knowledge seem to hinder wisdom in my observations, and induce fear about some things in this life.
So maybe, for myself and for others, simply trusting God is the answer. It is faith. It has not much to do with church or religion. Those are but a social gathering place for believers and a complex set of rules by men (some of which are wise rules). Faith is about our individual conversations with God and Jesus if you chose to believe. And faith is what matters. Churches and religions can be destroyed and banned by outside forces. Faith resides in the individual however. In the mind. In the heart. And can only be abandoned or relied upon by the individual. Outside forces have no say in the matter. It is you and I who decide to have faith and give our fears and unanswered questions to God. The result is peace. Intellect will only get in the way as we humans do not possess the intellect to kill nagging fears about the unanswerable
My prayers are with all of you and I hope those who believe will likewise pray for me as I have the same fears and concerns. We are humans. We all ponder these things and fear them. It is the nature of mankind.
May 20th, 2010 at 13:29
Don,
Thank you for writing!
I do agree that we just have to make what we can out of each day, and believing in some greater force; be it God or something else, can help you to get relief and make you relax a little more about your fears.
June 17th, 2010 at 6:07
I didn’t bother looking at all the other comments, but I’ve had many of the same sentiments as you since I’ve been 5. I am 19 now, and have had what I consider a lot happen in my life. I don’t want to give you false hope or despair because there is no definitive answer to the question of is there an afterlife. Enjoying the most out of the time we have now seems to be the best solution. Fear may be something you never get over until you can convince yourself one way or the other, whether there is an afterlife or not. (Interestingly enough, I don’t believe in a religious God or I just believe in a loose definition of God, but I find more and more that there may be something beyond this realm and am a follower of pure physics.) Try to enjoy what you have and come to some closing. Pure uncertainty will make you more afraid.
June 17th, 2010 at 10:09
Matt,
Thanks for sharing!
I completely agree that uncertainty is one of the most scary things.
June 24th, 2010 at 20:17
I have struggled with my fear of dying for many years. I was raised Catholic by extreme fanatical parents who had me convinced there was a heaven and a hell. I never really contemplated any other possibility until I lost my daughter and couldn’t believe that a perfect infant child would be made to suffer and die the way she did. At that point I lost my faith and began to see my own mortality in a new light. The fear of impending nothingness is very overwhelming and very scary to deal with. I don’t go to church and I don’t believe in any particular religion, but recently I have found myself thinking more about life and beyond. There are times when the thought of ceasing to exist terrifies me, but I am also beginning to see that endless life on this planet would be equally horrifying. I do find comfort in reading other peoples thoughts on dying and there is a part of me that refuses to believe death is the final act. Maybe it’s just a blind hope I cling to now, but I believe most people who have experienced NDE’s are telling us the truth….and even if it is some chemical reaction in the brain to help ease our passing, then so be it….I will take it. Also, knowing that I will die gives me the freedom to make the most of what time I have. While I am here I plan to love my wife and daughter with everything I have and try to be a good person despite my many flaws. I think we tend to get caught up in what we are going to lose rather than what we have to offer. Enjoy your life and when your time comes…hopefully you can look back on what you have accomplished…..and if there is an afterlife waiting for you….consider it a bonus on top of a life well spent !
June 26th, 2010 at 19:58
Craig,
I am so very sorry to hear about your loss.
In regards to your opinions, I couldn’t agree more. Do what you can, love the people close to you and just try to live life to fullest, because that is something you can actually affect.
July 4th, 2010 at 1:02
I know how you feel, i have felt this way since i could understand the concept of death. No body understands, they think i should live for today and enjoy what i have but i could never imagine not seeing my loved ones again, never seeing a beautiful sunset,never hearing an uplifting piece of music etc. they think i am mad……………I think they are for not even considering it!
You are not alone
xx
July 4th, 2010 at 7:09
Hi,
I just google’d why are people scared of dying and I found this really understanding and comforting article with all these grea point of views and comments… yours!
I’m just and eighteen year old half Spanish, half Pakistani girl whose lately been randomly thinking quite a lot about what happens after death and where will I be?? Of course no one has the answer to that question and yet we all say things to reassure ourselves or calm ourselves down about death.. The anxiety is killing! yes, it is.
I’m not sure what is it that scares but I have a feeling its the fact of being so alone buried underground and being bitten maybe by whatever is around and feeling every bit of it.. I know sounds a bit bizarre, well, completely really but its sometimes that and sometimes its just being somewhere (don’t know where), alone (again alone) with not a face to recognize or not see one at all…
Or maybe just wanting to know where I’d be going…
(Its like a one-way non-refundable plane ticket that you can’t do much about…
I don`t know yet about leaving a whole legacy or anything of the sort behind, hey, I`m only eighteen and just got into university studying biomedical sciences, wanting and hoping to become a child specialist one day and doing my share of work but i don`t know if anything I do or try is good enough for anything there is (like after death etc )…
Half the things I said, I`m not sure if any of it makes sense but a lot of the comments here were very calming about how everyone deals with this fear of dying which we naturally all have to do..
@ Ali : I can’t stand the thought of not being able to be or see or talk or anything of the sort with all the people I care about and share all these lovely a million and one moments with…
But yes, clearly I`m so afraid of dying… maybe for all the wrong reasons… just maybe!
Zaibii – xoxo
July 4th, 2010 at 7:12
sorry about all the spelling errors! Got kinda carried away and didn’t really double check –
Zaibii xoxo
July 5th, 2010 at 7:02
Please go to youtube and watch the documentary “The Boy Who Lived Before”. I’d really like to know what you all think about this little boy. I would like to learn your thoughts. Thanks!!!
July 6th, 2010 at 23:25
ali,
Thanks for writing.
Luckily, though, everyone here understands you and your thoughts.
Zaibii,
Thanks for sharing.
Everything you write makes sense to me at least! And really, don’t worry about spelling.
Annie,
I didn’t see the whole thing, but read about it. It’s impossible to say, but could such things actually happen? Maybe – there are many many things we don’t know/understand about our world.
July 12th, 2010 at 22:26
Hi, I’m Ben, 16, and I have started thinking about death quite a bit lately. I think I had an existential crisis – and I think looking that term up might comfort a lot of you
The conclusions that I have come to are that life has to be finite. If it were infinite, there would be no need for emotion, meaning or any kind of action. I consider finite life to be a blessing, not a problem – which makes our emotional attachments more poignant and all the stronger. I see no need to rush ahead to death as it will not come until it comes – and we won’t even notice it. As Greek philosopher Epicurus said: “Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.”
As further consolation, as one psychologist put it: “Death awareness is the price we pay for self awareness.” No other species is self-aware in the way we are; I consider that a blessing too. With self awareness comes at least some degree of free will – it is how a man or woman responds to death which matters.
As for leaving a legacy, it must be bore in mind that no legacy will last forever. Somehow, it will be erased – but if we can leave behind a legacy that is useful to future generations in some way it is surely a worthwile thing to do. I see meaning in future scientific discoveries and space travel – we forget we all live on only one little planet and that we have barely begun to discover the wonders of the universe.
It might sound silly, but my own quote on this subject is “Forced to be, forced to live, forced to die.” Since we must live and die, let us view our existence as a gift and use our precious time wisely.
I firmly do not believe in life after death but look up how consciousness is formed, and about the id, ego and super-ego. I find the explanation of our consciousness very interesting and consoling because it reveals what ‘I’ truly means.
Thanks for reading – now don’t die before death. Go and live!
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